Random Thoughts

I love black athletes who stand up for the cause. I'm talking about you Kaepernick.

I've been feeling more antisocial than usual and I don't know why. Like literally everyone is annoying the shit out of me lately. There is this lady at work who I use to get along fairly well with and I was reading on my break and she kept fucking talking to me. It took everything I had to try and tell her not to shut the fuck up. 

I need another vacation. I really just want to be alone but not really if that makes sense. I don't want to be around people I know. 

My man friends lifestyle is a different pace than I'm use to at least when it comes to guys I usually date. I'm really confused about him right now though.

All I'm interested in right now is reading cookbooks, eating good food, and being in places I've never been.

(Current mood)

Random Thoughts

I went out last night with a friend and it was fucking weird. Being in a town where people go to the same club and same bars at the same time every week is strange and only brings drama and interesting situations. At least it wasn't my drama but I felt like I was high key in a reality show. Sometimes my life doesn't feel real. 

I've been reading a lot of cookbooks and chef biographies lately and it makes me miss working in a resturant. I miss the money, free food, free alcohol, free drugs and the close but disfunctional family. It's truly has shaped me. Before I worked in a resturant I was a timid shy girl who was scared of the world. I'm still scared but I'm more willing to go for what I want.

I never went into detail of it, I may have mentioned that I got into a really bad accident about a year ago. Well I got hit by a car as a pedestrian (pretty fucking rough) I finally got my settlement and I'm just going to spend it on traveling and eating good food. I don't know if that's responsible but it's all I want from life.

The boys I get mixed with are all fucking Brazy and I don't know what I'm doing or what to do. All I know is I feel like monogamy is a fucking lie that society tries to feed us.

Also I'm in love with Young Thug's mixtape cover. I love him because he basically doesn't give a fuck about rap always trying to press hyper masculinity.

Random Thoughts

When you think everything is going good, something has to go bad.

I honestly hate all boys and relationships/dating sucks. Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive but at the same time being with a person is rad at times.

I love that a lot of my management are ladies. What I hate is that most people assume that they are men. Like a guy comes in asking to speak to a manager and says what's "his" name? I did get a little sastisfaction saying "her" name is Lisa.

I want to plan another trip soon. I just don't know where. The choices right now are New York, Puerto Rico, Montana, and Alaska. I'm leaning towards Alaska.

I got into an argument with my man friend last night and I still feel weird about it. I hate how he makes me feel sometimes. 

I was helping a customer at work today and they are a regular and an actual regular I like. He was saying how he hasn't seen me in awhile and I explained I've been going on a lot of trips or what not. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I honestly wanted to say no I just have a guy who I suck his dick often. I'm terrible.

I saw an old acquaintance today and it was kind of uncomfortable because she remember my name right from the back. Like I remember her face and everything but I couldn't quite pin her name. I think. It was Dana but wouldn't that be embarrassing if it wasn't so I didn't even try to say her name.

I feel like I have lost myself a bit and I need to give myself more time with things I love to do. Stop making myself so open. That doesn't sound great but I'm an introvert who hasn't been spending much alone time and I think it's making me a little crazy. 

All I want to listen to is The Radio Dept.

Random thoughts

I feel like I had a very eventful but still very uneventful weekend. 

On Friday I went out to Riverside with my man friend and his friends to a club. I had a lot more fun than expected but I also got a lot more drunk than expected.

I ended up calling out of work. I'm starting to care less and less about my job. They stil didn't say shit to me because I rarely call out compared to everyone else.

Okay so his friends are cool and I like them for the most part but there was some drama at the end and also one of them kept flirting with me and it was really uncomfortable. 

So I really got into podcast for a bit and the first podcast that will pop up is serial. Serial is my shit and then it led me to listen to Undisclosed. I was at the library and saw the book Adnan's story which basically is everything you heard in Seeial and Undisclosed but it gives you a bigger picture about how bigoted the prosecution was. It's like YIKES bad. Also it gave me a bit of insight because I never though Americans were prejudice towards Muslims before 9/11. Silly of me to think that but it gave me more insight about it.

I'm so confused about everything right now and stressed. I barely think about it because I have had distractions but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or want to do. But right now I enjoy life, I'm happy. I'm happy with my friends and my love life. Always iffy with my family but life is good. Life is beautiful. 

Random Thoughts

I hate that the time I'm most creative is when I'm sad. Why can't I write love poems or things abou happiness?

I love when strangers believe in me. It's the most comforting thing.

I wish I could wear the most outrageous fashions, like the ugly shit you see on droop. Not saying I couldn't pull it off but a part of me couldn't walk into a thrift store and buy a pair of JNCO jeans and actually fucking wear them. I do fucks with mom jeans heavy. 

I've been reading a lot of chef biographies and cookbooks lately. Like I made my own chicken broth yesterday and made my rice taste 100 times better. I'm so proud of myself. (Nose to Tail Eating is the best cookbook I've read so far) 

Why can't a person read a god damn book without it having to do with school. It says a lot about people and it's truly unarousing.

I'm going to meet the guy I'm dating  friends tomorrow. I'm super nervous about it. My mind is fucking racing. I'm going to need a shot beforehand.

Believe or not I'm a fairly private person. Not many people read this blog so ya know? It's weird though I'm dating one of my coworkers and everyone knows. It's kinda of uncomfortable.

Random Thoughts

You know my friend gave me the best advice the other day and if you knew my friend it's something you wouldn't expect. I was talking to her about my man friend and how I felt. She basically told me to stop overthinking, for once. To enjoy the moment and enjoy what I have. I can't control my feelings and my future so just hope for the best. That's where I'm with that. 

I do feel kinda weird because all our coworkers now know we are dating. It's kinda weird and I get teased and at least inside I turn red.

I watched sausage party and I don't know how I feel about it still. Part of me wasn't paying attention and part of me was actually offended. I guess I would give it a 4/10.

I really miss San Francisco and I really miss my friends. I feel like San Francisco is an ex boyfriend I need to get over though.

I leave to Texas next month for two weeks and I finally get to see my black side of the family. It's been probably seven or eight years since I've seen them. It's been a long time.

I hate/love my coworkers. I've been struggling a little bit since my trips to Portland and Vegas and some of my coworkers have bought me lunch and it's really sweet. But on the other spectrum o never had a coworker someone my equal (actually if I'm being honest I'm a little higher than he is) speak to me so low and make me feel so disrespected. It was so bad that a manager had to get involved and he had to apologize to me. Also I never been so criticized so much for not wanting to get married. Yes I like. The idea of marriage but I don't think it's realistic, at least for me. The idea of staying with one person when you connect to a bunch of different people every day is fucking bizarre. I don't think I could be polyamorous but the idea of forever is fucking wild.

Jaime

His right hand smelt like cigarettes. His left hand smelt like Tijuana. But they both felt the same when you brushed them against my body or held my hand, soft but rough callouses at the top of your palms. I tried to look into your eyes to figure you out. I see pain but from things I cannot see. I wonder if you can see mine. I often feel like running the other way but you find a way to pull me in. I scream but you listen and soothe me like the ocean. I don't know what I want. It changes everyday. But now I actually feel. Never thought I could fill the void. Never thought the smell of cigarettes and Tijuana could be so comforting.

This is the most emotional I've been in a long time.

When I start to feel confident something happens where I begin to question myself. I've been thinking about my future a lot and all I know is I want to travel and I have this crazy plan that I wanted to go through with in February but I realize it's closer than I thought and I'm super fucking anxious about it. I wish I could be super confident all the time, it would make my life a hundred percent easier.

One of my cousins that I grew up with is moving to Japan tomorrow with her family. It didn't really hit me until like earlier today. Thanksgiving aren't going to be the same. Christmas isn't going to be the same. I feel like my family is disappearing and it's fucking with me a little.

My mom keeps venting me about my dad and it's fucking with me. It makes me very jaded about the idea of love. (Like I already wasn't)

I've been dating someone for two months. I do like him a lot but lately I feel like I deserve better and why do I put up with his shit. I don't know if it's because I'm scared that I'm becoming vulnerable to someone because it's been a long time or if he really is an asshole and I shouldn't put up with his shit.

I cried today and I don't remember the last time that I have. I was riding my bike listening to Beach House and something came over me. I felt like I couldn't breathe and then tears just started coming out.

You know I feel like I've been also losing myself a little. Maybe it's because I haven't been home and on vacation for the past two weeks but I need to get back into the groove. I've just been sleeping, working, and hanging out with my man friend. I haven't read or written anything. 

Everything will be good, everything will be fine. Life is still beautiful.

Never Sleep With Your Coworker Part 3

I wanted to scream and say

I'm done

You stuck your tongue 

In my mouth

"Stop overthinking"

Tongue tied

All I could manage to say was

Okay

Las Vegas

I need to get into a better habit of taking pictures instead just snapchatting.

I said in the post before that I think about moving to Vegas often. It's cheap and there's always jobs. The only thing I would struggle with is the heat also I'm scared that I'm seeing it very different. This trip though convinced me more about moving there though.

Vegas has really good food. I remember going as a kid and the food was pretty shitty I don't know if it's because I have a better reasoning of choosing a restaurant or if Vegas has truly improved.

Shopping is always good in Vegas. I went with my dad and he spoiled me for sure. He bought me this beautiful string of Rose quarts necklace. Also bought me some other stuff but that was the highlight.

I saw The Stone Foxes live. It was a free show and I really loved their energy. It was quite the experience.

I really want to read more into the mob history. I dabbled in it a little bit and it's fairly interesting.

Las Vegas art district and Fremont street are rad. Fremont street seems to be booming more than in the past. They have some pretty cool bars down there. The strip is too damn expensive for fucking gimmicks.

Random Thoughts

I came back from Vegas and Vegas is amazing. I think about moving there pretty often.

I wondering when I won't be hot and cold about the idea of love. I'm just forever jaded from my past relationship and my family's relationships.

My man friend pisses me off a lot. He's really sweet and I know when he's kinda of inconsiderate, he doesn't do it on purpose but it's getting hard to deal with.  But it's kinda nice having someone that actually really cares for you romantically but it's also really irritating. It's hard. I'm telling you this hot/cold phenomenon is too much.

I got a raise at work and had a super nice review experience. I still really fucking hate my job.

My planned adventure is coming a lot sooner than I'm realize and I need to start saving and buying my supplies. I'm starting to get stress. 

I hate that society puts happiness as something to achieve but happiness is a feeling it comes and goes. You will always be unhappy about some aspect but I still have it burned into my head that I have to be happy 24/7 that's the goal, when it really is an empty goal. 

I like to be anywhere but home.

Random Thoughts

I'm on my way back to So-Cal and my transfer bus from Sacramento to LA is an hour late. I just want to be in my bed with my dog already like look at him. 

There is this guy at the bus station acting all ignorant on the phone with greyhound representatives. Greyhound don't give a damn! I could of told you that.

While on the bus this guy was getting hella ratchet with the guy he was sitting next to. It went zero to hundred. It sucked because I was starting to fall asleep. But this has been by far my worst greyhound experience ever. (Not like I usually use bad ones but this one is terrible)

I've been googling how to make a Pisces women fall in love with you because I really wonder what it takes, like I don't even know!

Why do I over analyze absolutely everything? But hey I'm usually right so? *shrugs

I hate my job and don't want to go back. It makes me severely unhappy. I don't know how long I've been saying this but I need to quit.

At least I work for three days and then I'm off to Vegas. (Even though I'm dead ass broke as hell)

I honestly don't want to go back home. I just want my dog and somewhere new.

Why is it so hard to connect with people and then let them stick like glue? Maybe that's a good thing, it means I'm not dependent. How am I suppose to develop longing meaningful relationships though? Maybe I wasn't built for that and need to come to terms with that. (Although I feel relativity attached to my SF friends and my friend Janiece)

I do miss my man friend but right now I'm questioning everything like usual. When I feel even a remote romantic feeling for someone or feel like I'm falling I want to run away. (Most of the time it's usually guys come on too strong and I ain't a fan of that)

So at the end of the day I wish to be somewhere by a lake drinking coffee from a camping mug with my dog reading a book, writing a little, maybe even drawing. Just me and my dog and beauty.

Why do I enjoy solitude so much?

Portland Part 2

Currently I'm in a bed and breakfast outside of Portland (Tigard), naked eating nutter butters and takis, watching the food network. This week was something I really needed although very tiring. I spent most of the trip by myself, I do want to write a post about the people I met along the way.

Ryan: You inspire me in every way possible. I admire you and I wished I asked you more about how you do what you do. A little synopsis of this man is he's been out of his house since 17 just traveling with little to no money. He's also has good music taste which is a plus. 

Peter: My favorite Dutchman. Thank you for taking the time to listen and try and understand my issues as a black women in America. Also thank you for the Blue Star doughnut recommendation. I don't care what anyone says Blue Star has the best doughnuts around.

Joe: The kindest New Yorker around. I really wish you the best in medical school. Thank you for offering to share your fries with me. You are cool no matter what you think. Hopefully we cross paths if I'm ever in New York in the lower east side.

That older couple I met at that one brewery: Thank you for the pizza. Thank you for your knowledge. Thank you for your non judgement.

Barista at the coffee shop named Barista that looked like Zoe Kravitz: Thank you for your beer suggestion that almost was like Framboise. You are also very beautiful.

The boy with the white gauges at the letlive. show hitting the fucking two step: I'm in love with you (superficially) Don't ever get out of the scene and keep fucking dancing. People like you make shows enjoyable and I love your energy. ( I'm giving you side eye the fucker thrashing at Seahaven! I don't even care if you're  friends with the band, you suck)

The black guy working at Blue Star: you are amazing and made my day. I wish I got your name. Thank you for the free doughnut. I'm forever grateful. (This is how much I love blue star)

Ho: you are a sarcastic asshole but underneath your devils advocate humor, you are kind and generous. I hope you find what you like to do.

Ben: you are also a person who inspires me. You say you're an introverted person but it's a hard thing to believe. Your charm is unbelievable and I believe it will get you far. Believe it or not I think it already has. I believe you will do great things. I hope you get to open a brewery or winery. I hope you can find your way to America. (I would of married you and then got a divorce when you got a citizenship lmfao) I won't forget when you were blacked out drunk and try to show me your dick (non sexually) but I'm pretty sure you won't forget me either.

I love every time I go to a new place I meet new people that make me want to keep going, makes me what to do better. This trip especially at the end made me believe I can do anything. I've never felt so euphoric in my life.

Portland

So I'm still in Portland but let me give you a breakdown since I've been here.

Okay when I first get her I get an uber to my hostel which is super cute and the people here are super friendly. It's called the Travelers House. 10/10 would recommend. But the uber driver was telling me how Portland has got insanely expensive and she can't afford to buy a house here anymore. An older couple at a brewery mentioned that there was a black community in Portland before and they got pushed out. Yikes.

I get to the hostel and I started hanging out with these three guys. Ryan, Ben, and Peter. They were super cool and two of them were foreign and it's weird to throw American references out there and people not understand them. That's when you know you are fucking American.

We played some crazy 8s, card against humanity, got some ice cream and some weird Korean Mexican fusion food. 

I didn't get to say bye to Ben or Peter which I'm kinda sad about but this trip was to be alone but I'm too polite and friendly lmfao. 

The next day I get up super early and start walking I'm pretty sure I walked over ten miles. Saw some cute shops and what not. (But I'm like super broke dude it's not even funny) some people asked me to be part of a photo shoot where I was just sat on a bench and looked at my phone. In the end though they bought me ice cream which was cool.

I went to a dispensary and got some legal weed. Life is fucking beautiful! Then went to a brewery and talked to some people.

I also want went see Seahaven which was a nice experience but was kinda ruined by one of their friends just trying to mosh and thrash on people. Seahaven is sad boi music you feel, so I wasn't feeling it. Also I wanted to faint when I got there because I was cross faded and walked like three miles to get there and it was hot as fuck. I wasn't a hundred percent and most of the time I had RBF but I still had a good time.

Okay but at the show there was this guy and like he wasn't super cute or anything but when letlive. came on he got super into it. He would actually dance like dancing you would see at a fucking club but it worked and then he would hit the two step. That boy didn't know what he was doing to me lmfao but the hoe dayzzz are over.

My man friend called me yesterday when I was at the show. I am super hot and cold about this whole weird ass relationship that seems to be going too fast but it was so nice to hear his voice. It was nicer to hear him say he missed me. Being in like is stressful but wonderful at the same time.

Update

I leave to Portland tomorrow and I'm super excited. I've been wanting to go for years and I'm finally going. I'm also in very strong like and it's strange.

Random Thoughts

Life has went 0-100 my friends and real quick. 

I'm actually dating someone like it's legit. I have spent everyday with him for the past two weeks. It's weird. I'm so hot and cold about it because I overthink and if you have read my past entries I'm not a relationship person. I really like him though. He makes me happy and even though he kinda irritates me I always want to be around him. There's a lot of issues already, not really bad but there are still issues. It's going a little too fast I think for the both of us. He just got out of a relationship two months ago. I was really about to write men off before we started talking (probably wouldn't have worked out though lmfao). It's really weird but all we can do is take it one day at a time.

I have been reading a lot of cookbooks lately and I don't know I feel inspired you can say. I'm dabbling in meat eating and some dairy consumption at the moment but everytime I do I feel like I've made a mistake. Hopefully my stomach will go back to normal soon. I've always been passionate about food. I don't know where this resurgence has came from though. 

I'm starting to hate my job more and more everyday. Good news I leave to Portland in a week and I'm nervous but excited at the same time. Then I'm going to Vegas after that!

I'm getting nervous because I have a big trip plan for next year and I really haven't began to prepare for it. I realize it's a lot sooner than I realize. Shit is stressful.

You know the worse things about being in like with someone? The loss of control. I realize I'm an extreme control freak. I need to stop. 

Mood: Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too by Say Anything

Okay like my life has been so fucking weird. I've really been trying to ignore everyone and life has been giving me the middle finger and saying nope. 

My mom finally started talking to me again which is nice. It takes some stress away. 

So I was talking to a guy for a few months and I started ignoring him. Classic Hannah! Mostly because I was all fucked up from fucking my ex boyfriend and also something weird happened with one of my friends and left me extremely butt hurt. Another reason for it is he was extremely infatuated with me and at first it was cool but it became off putting. He created this ideal of who I was and he really didn't try and get to know me at all. Everytime we talked it was always about him or what we would do when we saw each other again. He envisions that one night we spent in Nashville all the time and kept that perfect image of me. I'm a fucked up complex person with many different layers not Natalie Portman in Garden State you feel?

I really have to say this but shout out to the cute boy who let me go ahead of him in line.

But like I hate boys also.

I met a guy at a club awhile ago like two or three months ago. He was extremely infatuated and it was bad because you know at least with this boy I met in Nashville we were intimate and we fucked you know? This one I didn't even dance with, didn't kiss him, I didn't do shit with him but talked and even when I talked to him I told him I wasn't what he wanted. I happened to see him again and it was creepy my dude. He was staring at me in the dance floor. Introduced himself to my friend as my boyfriend. He was harassing me saying why did he have to keep chasing me and if I danced with another guy he was going to kill him. Yikes!

I also met a guy at a club about a month or so and it was a bad night because I was super emotional about fucking my ex. Drinking and emotions aren't a good mix. I was dancing and talking with him that night but I didn't get his number because I just ended up leaving abrubtly. I went shopping and ended up going to a resturant to get a beer. He happened to come in and we talked for a little bit. Got a little intense. So he's married but in a middle of a divorce. He doesn't want to get divorced but he cheated on his wife four times like fuck dude! But somehow we laid out how we can basically be fuck buddies in a matter of an hour and like what the fuck? I haven't texted him back though so ya know how that shit goes.

I love it when guys are super honest with me and the typically are. But I mean damn. I can't judge because I have been unfaithful and at this point I don't believe in monogomy. I like the idea and concept but I don't feel like it's not real or substantial at least for me.

Okay and for the grand finale of my fucked up love life: my coworker. So to be completely honest I do like him in a weird way I can't explain. I know for sure I'm sexually attracted to him there's no doubt about it but I like his company as well even though there's a lot of things that bother me about him. I would say I'm a pretty extreme liberal who is passionate about social issues. I hate the term politically correct but I will use it to explain it. He's not very politically correct at all and I haven't said anything because it's the beginning phases but it bothers me. I think he may be a bit homophobic which honestly is a big deal to me. I'm also super into music and movies and I can tell he really isn't. He's kinda broey. You know drinks protein shakes and comments about masculinity when it is so unnecessary. But he's really sweet and weird. He's always singing popular songs that comes on in bars. He's not an asshole to bartenders which is a huge plus because there's too many guys out there who are just assholes to waitstaff and that's a deal breaker for me. He opened up to me big time about his family dynamics and his time in the military and the way he deals with his emotions and its explained a lot. It's weird because like everyone else in this world before you really get to know a person you envision who they are, you prejudge them. He's a lot different that I imagined from my first impression or even the first time I hung out with him. At first I really didn't like him but I wanted to get laid but the more and more I talked to him it was different. Now when he looks into my eyes I want to fucking die or more like melt to the floor. I was all over him at my favorite bar which is weird because I'm not intimate or a fan of PDA. He kissed me in public which was weird. We both kinda discussed it with our mutual friends and both said we didn't want anything serious and I still stand by the statement because I got goals that a relationship would fuck up but I like him and he's real and he's close and I can feel him. The situation though is I know something bad happened that would affect him hugely. I'm not suppose to know but I'm pretty sure he knows that I know. I'm also pretty sure it would change whatever is happening between us. It kinda sucks because I am disappointed in him and also the situation at hand. All I can do is sit and see what happens next.

For now I'm just going to sit with my books and read and drink some tea because life is still good regardless. 

Random Thoughts

Okay so I went out with my coworker last Friday and I had a good time. We grabbed a few drinks and went to a view spot then ended up making out. I knew I was going to be weird at work because that's just how I am. He told a few of my coworkers about it and I don't know the whole thing makes me feel a little uneasy. I get jaded when I like someone and so I've been thinking a lot and there's a lot of things about him that bothers me but I think it's just me talking myself out of it. I always do that because I'm scared of commitment and I'm scared when guys like me and want to get to know me. Lol like leave me alone. I'm going to try and not be an asshole about this but ya know I suck.

Okay so I finished the new season of OITNB and that show is fucked up. It's entertaining, sure but a lot of it's not necessary to "teach a lesson." I don't want to give too much and spoil it but my main issue is they try to make you feel sympathetic to a fucking rapist and that's not okay considering how fucked up rape culture is. It's awful.

I went to dinner with my dad and his girlfriend on Father's Day. I hate to say it but I really like my Dad's girlfriend. She's super cool and we have a lot of the same beliefs. It makes me feel bad that I like her considering how they got together but I can't be bitter because of my mom. My mom is so bitter and holds grudges and I don't want to live like that. Although I'm still very mad at her and haven't talked to her in a week and I don't plan to  talk to her anytime soon.

My sleep schedule is so fucked up and I'm like dying at work because I have to wake up so early but I can't go to sleep until like 2-3.

All I've been eating is bread and peanut butter. I haven't had much of an appetite. I've been super stress lately about my love life and my future. 

I've been thinking about finally getting a license and get a RV or just buying a tiny home in Oregon or Tennessee and live like a nomad for the rest of my life.

O.J. Made In America

Okay this post is going to be different than most of my post but I just got finished watching all five parts of OJ's 30 for 30 and shit is my mind blown. Going into this I must state I always thought OJ did and this documentary didn't change it, however it did change my way how I viewed the case.

Let's start with how this case was a huge impact on the black community, which is not necessarily a big surprise why the black community supported him because this was after Rodney King and the LA riots. Not only that but I mean history of decades of police brutality and not seeing any justice at all. Even with this victory, things still haven't changed and honestly you seeing these issues reemerging.  (Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner and do I really have to go on?) That's what's most saddening because a lot of black people really thought they saw justice but no it was just a wealthy man that got away with murdering his wife and her friend and at the end of the day didn't give a shit about his community.

What I like most about this documentary is yes it's still bias but I feel like it had both sides of the fence played. They painted him to be a very charming guy and it's part of the reason he got where he was. What I didn't like about this documentary is how harsh they were on the defense and the jury.

The harsh reality that justice isn't justice in this world. I'm sorry if you truly believe that, I really do. It isn't about the victim especially in a high profile case. Both sides create a story what they believe happened, true or false. The whole point of defense is so the defendant doesn't get jail time. A lot of people who were interviewed said that the defense went too far and let a guilty man free. HELLO that's their fucking job! OJ was paying these men $50,000 a day so he could be free. Yes ethics comes into play but that's your client. If you think their guilty or not, it's your job to defend them.

I'm sorry though the district attorney was all fucked up, shit the investigation was all fucked up. Christopher Darden shouldn't had OJ try on the glove. The crime scene investigators should of changed their gloves and not pick shit up with their bare hands. The guy who collected a blood sample from OJ shouldn't have brought back the sample to the crime scene. LIKE?

As a juror you are not suppose to convict a person unless without unreasonable doubt they committed the crime. I think the defense sufficiently created reasonable doubt and the district attorney didn't talk much about how OJ didn't have an alibi for the time of the murder. They just let the defense attorney chew them up and spit them out.

Also the whole race card thing although is relevant to the case is somewhat fucking bologna. The job of the defense was to create a narrative where there is reasonable doubt that OJ killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. I'm sorry there is nothing in the documentary convincing to me that Mark Fuhrman isn't a racist. Do I believe he planted the glove? Absolutely not. Do I think his views on black people makes his of being a capable crooked detective? Yes.

I'm done with my rant but honestly this documentary is so good and I highly recommend it.

Peace in Suburbia

Went on a little hike today and it was relaxing. I don't suggest going on a hike after drinking a bottle of wine the night before. Solitude is a good thing my friends. I forget that sometimes.

Drunk Thoughts

I recently watched Zootopia and damn! I don't like animation, it's never appealed to me but everyone had such good reviews that related to things I cared about. (race relations) It executes it so well. Although I feel like children will understand the symbolism behind the film, I feel children have a better grasp on those things than adults, it's still important. Racism in America is usually only viewed on a dictionary based level and not sociological which is fairly problematic. I could go on but I just want to say Zootopia is genius.

I'm wine drunk and been listening to all my favorite music. So oddly growing up one of my favorite pop stars was Mandy Moore and I feel like it's weird because I love Dawes. Taylor Goldsmith is one luck son of a bitch.

On Dawes, saying I hope all your favorite bands stay together is one of the romantic things ever.

I had my first Charlie horse ever today and that shit hurts.

I miss Nashville so much. I just really hate California at this moment.

So many books, so little time.

I like to have patience and my patience has gone a long time but I don't know how much I can take anymore.

I just want to be a roadie. Just pay me in beer and peanut butter. I'm not that cool though.

Random thoughts

I'm going to hang out with my coworker I have a crush on Friday. Kill me.

I got into a very bad argument with my mom yesterday. It has taken me a long time to get where I am. To feel confident in myself and be able to go for what I want, to not be so angry all the time. I love my mom and although I said some things I may not wanted to, it really could of been worse. I'm not sorry though and I meant what I said. I'm going to keep my distance for awhile because knowing her she won't say sorry and she's extremely emotionally abusive. I'm not going to be her human punching bag.

With that being said, this whole incident makes me want to go on my excursion sooner. I'm tired of everything and everyone. I'm happy but I don't know this situation just wants to push more for myself.

Dream vacation is Iceland right now. Okay but I was reading something yesterday about yeah it's great to go traveling to other countries but we usually don't appreciate what's around us. He explained he lived in all the major cities in the USA but not until he started biking around and riding around in his electric car did he feel like he saw the US and what it had to offer. I need to go all over the US my friends. I have had wanderlust for so long, mostly for other countries but I went for a long bike ride and hike yesterday. I have lived in this little town most of my life and I saw things I never did before. It's just wild what you take for granted you know? Not saying I'm not going to go out of the country because that's the plan.

Random Thoughts

I like being self aware and being honest with myself. It's nice and it isn't exhausting. I'm still pretty bad because I'm ignoring people and it's pretty selfish. It's a quality I need to change and deal with. I don't like confrontation but being honest is the best thing to do.

I went out the other night with a few coworkers. I have had this weird crush on one of my coworkers for awhile and I told him that night. The weird thing is he said he had one too. Like I know I'm not going to see him for a few days and I don't want to even deal with it lmfao.

I had a really long conversation with my friend about this election and this Hilary vs Trump. They both scare me and I have heard a lot of arguments about Hilary. being not a lesser of two evils but a different kind of evil. I think for awhile I believed that. I'm also a crazy liberal who doesn't believe in war or intervention in other countries even for "good" causes. Also I have more of intersectional feminist type view and I have to be honest I do look down on other feminist who don't have the same views (including men issues, race, and trans issues) I like talking to him though because I'm extreme left and he shows me the importance of balance and why she is the lesser of two evils (not a blantant racist and abortion stance)

Balance is a good thing to have and I sometimes forget it.

I'm excited about Portland and I need to plan more things other than just going like I did in Nashville. Although not planning anything for Nashville went suprising well. I miss Nashville a lot.

I complain that I hate my coworkers a lot but they look after me. My HR manager sent me a vegan recipe through work email. My supervisor is sending me some info backpacking as a vegan. They just piss me off at work.

Love is hell of a drug and what is it exactly? Once you fall out of love where does it go? Can you love the same twice?

Davis, Ca

Picket white fences, navy blue doors

Ivy crawling weaving into a trellis 

Perfectly trimmed hedges

Summer heat

Warm cinnamon apple pie

Children playing in the streets

American Dream 

Love

That is 

In and out

Comes and goes

Perfect before you open the door

This isn't what I want

But I still miss you

Things in my sketchbook

What are best friends for?

I hopped out of my uber and still can't get out of my head that my older uber driver said lit. I hadn't seen you in a few weeks and I was a little nervous. I went to the bar next door and had a beer to prepare.

I walked into the hookah bar where you were having your show and the smell hit me right away. It reminded me of freshman year of college with roommates I hated. Orange peach ring, white gummy bear, and strawberry all at once, instant migraine. I see you though and it was different. I always felt reluctant to say I want you but I saw you and I wanted you. You were already drunk holding a hookah hose. You smiled and gave me an awkward hug. Your girlfriend was there, or whatever you want to call her. You hand me a Gatorade bottle filled with Malibu and a Mexican Coke. I was going to need it.

A few beers and a few Irish car bombs.

I was able to ignore it even with your dumb comments about keeping what we did a secret or that she means nothing to you (a lie you keep telling yourself).

Two weeks later lying in my bed, reading a book, I get a call from you. Debating whether to answer it, I pick up anyway. 

"I'm done with her. I never want to talk to her again. I'm going to go after you know just kidding, we are BFFS." 

There was more but it was the only thing you said that stuck like glue. It pierced my heart. It filled the void. 

I went back to my book knowing it would only last for a day until you would be back with her.

I'm sorry, when will I be different.

Your words were

As smooth as wine.

Drunk, no restraints

I was letting

You take pieces of away

Infatuated by the image of

Beaches, pina coladas 

Turbulent love

A home far away from California 

Now sober

Realizing 

Your engulfment 

Is not what I needed

Or wanted

I'm sorry

I couldn't tell you.

Random thoughts/mostly gym addition

I got dressed coded at work yesterday and it's ridiculous because I'm the only one who ever gets talk to when I do the same shit as everyone else. I hope they fire me one day so I can sue them for blantant discrimination.

Today is one of those days I forgot my headphones and the gym for some reason isn't playing music. Dramatic me wants to die.

I was overhearing a conversation with these two guys. They were both older. One was talking about how he found a woman and how she's some photographer and she's in Nepal. He doesn't know her last name and he hasn't FaceTime her. She delelted her Facebook profile shortly too. I wanted to say it sounds like a scam but I guess I would be caught being nosey.

Why when there is a room full of equitment that is empty, guys come next to me and use the equitment right next to me. I hate everyone who does this.

This Friday I'm buying a ticket to Portland for next month. I've always wanted to go and I put it off for too long.

I voted today and I hope everyone who can did too. I don't understand why people wouldn't. It makes me really sad honestly. 

I hate Hilary Clinton.

I'm going celibate like for sure. Fuck every boy ever lmfao.

Random thoughts

So I saw Joyce Manor and it was the greatest time. I went by myself and it was still great. I enjoy solitude more than ever.

Man let me tell you I'm so done with boys. I don't know how many times I've said this but they suck for real. I'm also the worse.

I haven't been feeling empty like usually. It's overwhelming but I'm happy. Although as much as I love the void, filling it is temporarily or just not feeling nothing gets so boring sometimes.

Ghost from my past are creeping and I don't know what to do.

I'm watching the Truman show and it's fucking me up my dude. It's truly how I feel about life. Like my coworker was telling me I need to finish college and I wanted to politely tell him to fucking shove his education politics up his fucking ass because it's not for me and I don't want it. Yeah maybe I'll grow up and "wake up" but no I'm not living my life for anyone else but myself now.

I don't know what's this sudden change but I'm feeling a little crazy but for once I'm still content with myself and that is rare my friends.

I just want to read books, save a little money for my big adventure I have planned, and hang out with my real friends.

Random Thoughts

So I haven't been going to the gym lately because I really needed to take a break because my whole body hurt and to be entirely honest I didn't fully rest because I was still biking everyday(commuting) but I'm back on the wagon!

Yesterday I ran three miles without stopping and I'm so proud of myself. I'm finally learning willpower.

Okay so I saw this guy at the gym and he was super attractive, that besides the point. He had super muscular legs and that's super rare (like even his calves!) and I was jealous. Fitness goals my friends is to have thighs so strong I can kill a man with them.

Why do strangers think it's okay to touch my hair without asking me like I'm some fucking free petting zoo.

I always feel super conflicted but I think I'm in love. I think I'm actually okay with it too. I haven't freaked out about it lately.

I have been wearing my Havana twist for quite awhile but I think I'm going to 100% natural hair so I can feel comfortable with it again.

I'm going to see Joyce Manor today and I'm super stocked! It's going to be kind of a messy situation but I'm going still.

I see my neighbor everywhere and I feel like I should introduce myself but people don't do that anymore. At least not in Southern California or at least not where I'm from.

Random Thoughts

I love how my mind is working. I'm scared for the future but I'm at point when I'm not seconding guessing myself for once.

So the other day I was in the break room talking to my two white coworkers and telling them the concept of looking at the world colorblind is harmful because you erase my experience and culture as a poc. They really were speaking over me until my coworker Ethan came in and said well white privilage is a real things and you guys will never have to worry or even think about the things Hannah goes through. One was like was I blind this whole time and how can I be so naive. Like I hate how it takes a white person to say it and for other white people to believe it but a lot of white people are quiet and I was so happy when Ethan said something.

I hate lust. It's awful but I'm getting better about how it affects me. Celibate gang.

I want to go on this whole outdoor expedition. I have so much research to do. Growing up I just wanted to be a Boy Scout and I want my dream to come true.

I've been so happy but discontent at the same time. It's an odd feeling. The discontent is mostly with work, some with family.

Untitled 2

So numb

Numb enough 

That your weight feels like a feather

Your tongue feels weaker than a light

Ocean breeze

"You like that baby?"

I laugh and say yes 

To make you feel better 

Hoping I don't feel empty

Random Thoughts, really just an angry rant

I really hate my job and it's getting really bad. Everyday I come in it's the worse fucking day of my life. I'm thinking I shouldn't give a fuck and everything will be better like the movie Office Space. 

I was going to give myself until December because I put some of my check in the stocks but I might just quit after August or getting my settlement because fuck me, I shouldn't be this unhappy. 

A guy pulled over his car while I was walking my dog to try and talk to me and like? That's super creepy and honestly makes him the scum of the earth. I have enough to worry about being a woman.

Why are males so concerned if a woman smiles? like fuck you my dude.

Can you tell I'm from California and from the valley with all these fucking likes I'm using.

I haven't been this angry in awhile and it honestly makes me want to cry how angry I am but I'm at work and I'm not going out like that.

South Florida

I listened to my voicemail over and over.

"I just really want to see you."

I hoped everytime I listened to it I would feel something like before, like when I saw you at the blue bird, when you kissed me goodbye, or when you played me a song. "I really want to see you." All I feel is empty, wanting to runaway like I always do.

Current mood board

San Francisco

I have a love hate relationship for the city and usually when I go visit I can't wait to go back home this time it was different. It fits me more than ever. A lot of vegan options, good coffee, and people actually ride bikes! Still won't ever move back there.

A lot of my friends are unhappy and it's weird to see. Not until a few days ago, I was extremely content within myself. I know happiness is a temporary feeling that comes and goes but sometimes I feel like they are never happy and it makes me sad. I just want them to be happy and doing what they want.

I had a vegan horchata latte that I can't stop thinking about. I hate how some food and drinks have that effect on me.

San Francisco is still a fucked up place like any other place in the world don't get me wrong but it's so different than Southern California. I'm a super liberal which doesn't go well here at least the town I live in and it's weird to go into a city where people get it. Almost eerie.

I went into a record store and was going to buy Saturday Night Fever on vinyl because it was only a $1! I didn't have cash and he said don't worry about it, get me next time and honestly that was the nicest thing I have experienced in awhile.

I went on a crazy 7 mile hike and this is why I hate snapchat because I never take photos on my phone I can save but at least these memories always stay with me. 

I met a bartender about a year ago and I happened to run into him again this visit. We actually hung out. He's a pretentious dick to be honest but I'm glad I got to hang out with him because I learned a lot. It's hard to explain. He told me to not to be scared and do what I want because things usually fall into place. I really needed that.

San Francisco makes me never want to drink again but at the same time it makes me realize how passionate I am about alcohol. Weird but true. That mezcal trend need to die in the cocktail scene up there. It reminds me when fernet was cool a few years ago.

I felt like I may have been drifting away from my friends but this trip brought me so much closer and I think these people will be my friends for life and it's weird. I've grown so much and I've seen them grow as well. 

Life is so fucking strange especially in San Francisco.

Random Thoughts

I had sex with my ex boyfriend the other night and it really is fucking with me emotionally. 

I went out with Janiece the other night and got so drunk but I got into my feelings mostly because a lot of people were killing my vibe and what happened the other night.

That being said I told my ex I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I had to cut the cord.

My love life outside of that incident is a mess and I just want to be very single but also undesirable just for little while. I need that time for myself. I'm almost a hundred but not quite there.

I want to buy a guitar and a harmonica and start a folk indie band with my friend Kandice. Either way I want to learn how to play guitar.

Janiece and I were talking to some boys in the club and everything was going well until some random boys told them their tattoos sucked and they wanted to get all hyper masculine. One of the guys confronted me about it and said what if someone try to question your womanhood? I laughed and got somewhat offended and told that boy I don't have to prove myself to anyone because I know who I am. For "womanhood" I haven't done my eyebrows over a year, I hardly wear makeup, and I don't wear heels. I'm really into building muscles and doing things solo. So I don't know if you want to speak about conventional femininity. I'm still pissed about that.

My cousin got me tickets to Joyce Manor and I'm so fucking stoked my dudes.

I still have to write about what happened in San Francisco because it was a hell of a trip.

I want my job to fire me so I can actually look for a new job. Also I'm really having a pick up all my shit and go and figure it out later type feeling. I need to get away for real and real soon.

Currently reading One Hundred Years Of Solitude because it's been recommended to me by numerous people. I can't get into it though. I'm going to stick it out though.

His love came and went like seasons.

I never minded it.

When the sun beater on my back, 

I wished him away.

When the rain shed,

I wished for him to be my shelter.

We never did match.

Random Thoughts

I'm changing and really quickly. It's weird but I'm proud of myself. I'm going to do something big soon for myself.

You know for a moment I told myself I was in love and I realize I'm not. It takes more for me and I don't know if I'm made for this typical movie romance or just how monogamy. I want it but I don't know if I'm truly capable. I guess there was my ex but that's a horrible example.

I always go to the nutrition shop by my work and the manager there is so great. He's super knowledgable and I want to be him. I'm in superficial love.

I honestly fall in superficial love everyday.

There is this guy who always comes into my work and really just asks me questions about school and what not. He's really cute but that's not why I'm in superficially in love with him. He bikes around the world and I want to be him.

When I'm in superficial love it's mostly because I admire them as a person not their looks.

Although I am in superficial love with my coworker. He's super cute and nice. I don't know anything about him so I can't say I admire him.

I really hate my gym, like the guys are there are gross and they cut my lock when I was on vacation and I'm high key kinda pissed about it but I didn't trip. I'm mad but what can I do. *shrugs

I got a two random checks in the mail because apparently I overpaid one of my bills and I guess my work was fucking with my money and like I feel so blessed.

I'm super disappointed in my friends (SoCal friends) and I don't know how to deal with it.

White Boys Stress Me Out

I don't know how many times you can tell me you guys are just friends and I'll actually believe you. I told you "You pay for her shit. She pays for yours. You court her." "No that's just what friends do. I'll take you out next week." I smiled and didn't say anything. I didn't know how to react.

You turn around for a superficial conversation. I think of all the things I can say to you. You turn back around and all I can say is "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "You say she's a bitch but you are still around." "She's easy." Your comment turned my stomach, wondering why I even like you. I asked you "Where you always a dick?" You take a sip of your bud light and said "No I realized it gets me what I want every time." Not knowing where this will go but I hope you will soften like play dough. I want to feel your softness, see your pain, weakness, and vulnerability. No more Mr. tough guy. I never liked that part of you. I like you raw. It's rare but it was always more honest. You were always the most honest.

Random Thoughts

The other day I thought this lady was going to go off on me because to be honest I was hardcore checking out her husband like I couldn't help it. But instead she came up to me and said "You are really cute." It was the biggest relief ever.

I have to get through the this day of work and finally I'm on vacation. I really did miss San Francisco.

I wish I was more trusting in what people told me how they felt about me. I'm just really scared to feel for someone and get hurt. That shit sucks my dudes.

Dude working out and switching my diet to vegan has work wonders for me. I can actually sleep and I don't get tired through out the day and I'm like super happy and not so angry anymore. 

Side note: I hate most of the vegan community. Most of y'all are fucking coons, some of y'all are cool.

My credit line has been increased and I'm tempted my dude but I'll probably spend it on a ticket to Florida.

How do people live simple lives? I mean I know everyone got some issues but fuck I want a simple life where I do nothing but work and do hobby stuff. No more parties, no more party friends. Just me, my dog, and a partner.

Blue is my internal feeling-Visuals

Love

You pull me to the side and said "We're just friends. Nothing is going on between us." 

This was a minutes after of making a bad decision of letting a stranger stick his tongue down my throat, grab my ass and boobs, and try to rub my pussy. It felt good but it didn't make me feel good. Filling in the void.

I was drunk I don't remember but you got so mad you tried to pull me away. But you should of know better, I don't like to listen.

I looked you straight into your eyes when you said that. I said "She told me you were in love with her."

It was true, she did. Hours before that's when I first saw her. I went to met you and a few other friends at a pizza place after the gym. My heart sunk when you brought someone. Play it cool Hannah. Play it cool.

I played it too cool.

You said "You know me. I don't fall in love. We're the same me and you."

Shooting Star

I took my dog for a walk. It's the only time I get to review and then clear my mind. I was having flashbacks of bad decisions and failed romance, accomplish conquest (a better word).

All of a sudden I saw a bright burst of green light. I was scared, was it an falling airplane, maybe a ufo (I've been playing too much Saint Rows 4). I saw the light turn yellow and leave a trail. A shooting star! It was my first time seeing one. All I could think from then on is, I wished everything would work between you and I.

A letter to my lover

Where do I begin? I want to say I know I suck. I feel like you put more of an effort in communication and expressing emotion but the truth is I think of you all the time. I think about texting and calling you all the time but I feel like I may annoy you or it would be the wrong time. I'm wildly insecure about those things. Another truth, I'm very scared of how I feel for you. Before I met you, I was truly a downer on the idea of love, almost gave up on the concept. I met you and I don't know. I think of the short time we spent together and it makes me so happy and I feel like a better person for that moment. I hope I don't sound crazy because I feel it. The idea of letting a person into my life is something I have to re-learn. I hope all is well with you. I hope you're happy. I hope to see you this summer. I know we have told each other but is it weird to say I love you? 

Bicycle

I didn't learn how to ride a bicycle until I was 12 but look at me now. Free. Listening to Dawes on my way to work.

Everyone is in a hurry. No time to look and breathe. 

I notice the girl in her giant black suv and huge sunglasses pick her nose. I notice the pain in a woman's eye while she tries to merge onto the freeway to somewhere new. I see the hunger of a full time employee trying to find something quick to eat but is tired of all the same places.

Does anyone see me?

Visuals