Random Thoughts

I love black athletes who stand up for the cause. I'm talking about you Kaepernick.

I've been feeling more antisocial than usual and I don't know why. Like literally everyone is annoying the shit out of me lately. There is this lady at work who I use to get along fairly well with and I was reading on my break and she kept fucking talking to me. It took everything I had to try and tell her not to shut the fuck up. 

I need another vacation. I really just want to be alone but not really if that makes sense. I don't want to be around people I know. 

My man friends lifestyle is a different pace than I'm use to at least when it comes to guys I usually date. I'm really confused about him right now though.

All I'm interested in right now is reading cookbooks, eating good food, and being in places I've never been.

(Current mood)

Random Thoughts

I went out last night with a friend and it was fucking weird. Being in a town where people go to the same club and same bars at the same time every week is strange and only brings drama and interesting situations. At least it wasn't my drama but I felt like I was high key in a reality show. Sometimes my life doesn't feel real. 

I've been reading a lot of cookbooks and chef biographies lately and it makes me miss working in a resturant. I miss the money, free food, free alcohol, free drugs and the close but disfunctional family. It's truly has shaped me. Before I worked in a resturant I was a timid shy girl who was scared of the world. I'm still scared but I'm more willing to go for what I want.

I never went into detail of it, I may have mentioned that I got into a really bad accident about a year ago. Well I got hit by a car as a pedestrian (pretty fucking rough) I finally got my settlement and I'm just going to spend it on traveling and eating good food. I don't know if that's responsible but it's all I want from life.

The boys I get mixed with are all fucking Brazy and I don't know what I'm doing or what to do. All I know is I feel like monogamy is a fucking lie that society tries to feed us.

Also I'm in love with Young Thug's mixtape cover. I love him because he basically doesn't give a fuck about rap always trying to press hyper masculinity.

Random Thoughts

When you think everything is going good, something has to go bad.

I honestly hate all boys and relationships/dating sucks. Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive but at the same time being with a person is rad at times.

I love that a lot of my management are ladies. What I hate is that most people assume that they are men. Like a guy comes in asking to speak to a manager and says what's "his" name? I did get a little sastisfaction saying "her" name is Lisa.

I want to plan another trip soon. I just don't know where. The choices right now are New York, Puerto Rico, Montana, and Alaska. I'm leaning towards Alaska.

I got into an argument with my man friend last night and I still feel weird about it. I hate how he makes me feel sometimes. 

I was helping a customer at work today and they are a regular and an actual regular I like. He was saying how he hasn't seen me in awhile and I explained I've been going on a lot of trips or what not. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I honestly wanted to say no I just have a guy who I suck his dick often. I'm terrible.

I saw an old acquaintance today and it was kind of uncomfortable because she remember my name right from the back. Like I remember her face and everything but I couldn't quite pin her name. I think. It was Dana but wouldn't that be embarrassing if it wasn't so I didn't even try to say her name.

I feel like I have lost myself a bit and I need to give myself more time with things I love to do. Stop making myself so open. That doesn't sound great but I'm an introvert who hasn't been spending much alone time and I think it's making me a little crazy. 

All I want to listen to is The Radio Dept.

Random thoughts

I feel like I had a very eventful but still very uneventful weekend. 

On Friday I went out to Riverside with my man friend and his friends to a club. I had a lot more fun than expected but I also got a lot more drunk than expected.

I ended up calling out of work. I'm starting to care less and less about my job. They stil didn't say shit to me because I rarely call out compared to everyone else.

Okay so his friends are cool and I like them for the most part but there was some drama at the end and also one of them kept flirting with me and it was really uncomfortable. 

So I really got into podcast for a bit and the first podcast that will pop up is serial. Serial is my shit and then it led me to listen to Undisclosed. I was at the library and saw the book Adnan's story which basically is everything you heard in Seeial and Undisclosed but it gives you a bigger picture about how bigoted the prosecution was. It's like YIKES bad. Also it gave me a bit of insight because I never though Americans were prejudice towards Muslims before 9/11. Silly of me to think that but it gave me more insight about it.

I'm so confused about everything right now and stressed. I barely think about it because I have had distractions but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or want to do. But right now I enjoy life, I'm happy. I'm happy with my friends and my love life. Always iffy with my family but life is good. Life is beautiful. 

Random Thoughts

I hate that the time I'm most creative is when I'm sad. Why can't I write love poems or things abou happiness?

I love when strangers believe in me. It's the most comforting thing.

I wish I could wear the most outrageous fashions, like the ugly shit you see on droop. Not saying I couldn't pull it off but a part of me couldn't walk into a thrift store and buy a pair of JNCO jeans and actually fucking wear them. I do fucks with mom jeans heavy. 

I've been reading a lot of chef biographies and cookbooks lately. Like I made my own chicken broth yesterday and made my rice taste 100 times better. I'm so proud of myself. (Nose to Tail Eating is the best cookbook I've read so far) 

Why can't a person read a god damn book without it having to do with school. It says a lot about people and it's truly unarousing.

I'm going to meet the guy I'm dating  friends tomorrow. I'm super nervous about it. My mind is fucking racing. I'm going to need a shot beforehand.

Believe or not I'm a fairly private person. Not many people read this blog so ya know? It's weird though I'm dating one of my coworkers and everyone knows. It's kinda of uncomfortable.

Random Thoughts

You know my friend gave me the best advice the other day and if you knew my friend it's something you wouldn't expect. I was talking to her about my man friend and how I felt. She basically told me to stop overthinking, for once. To enjoy the moment and enjoy what I have. I can't control my feelings and my future so just hope for the best. That's where I'm with that. 

I do feel kinda weird because all our coworkers now know we are dating. It's kinda weird and I get teased and at least inside I turn red.

I watched sausage party and I don't know how I feel about it still. Part of me wasn't paying attention and part of me was actually offended. I guess I would give it a 4/10.

I really miss San Francisco and I really miss my friends. I feel like San Francisco is an ex boyfriend I need to get over though.

I leave to Texas next month for two weeks and I finally get to see my black side of the family. It's been probably seven or eight years since I've seen them. It's been a long time.

I hate/love my coworkers. I've been struggling a little bit since my trips to Portland and Vegas and some of my coworkers have bought me lunch and it's really sweet. But on the other spectrum o never had a coworker someone my equal (actually if I'm being honest I'm a little higher than he is) speak to me so low and make me feel so disrespected. It was so bad that a manager had to get involved and he had to apologize to me. Also I never been so criticized so much for not wanting to get married. Yes I like. The idea of marriage but I don't think it's realistic, at least for me. The idea of staying with one person when you connect to a bunch of different people every day is fucking bizarre. I don't think I could be polyamorous but the idea of forever is fucking wild.

Jaime

His right hand smelt like cigarettes. His left hand smelt like Tijuana. But they both felt the same when you brushed them against my body or held my hand, soft but rough callouses at the top of your palms. I tried to look into your eyes to figure you out. I see pain but from things I cannot see. I wonder if you can see mine. I often feel like running the other way but you find a way to pull me in. I scream but you listen and soothe me like the ocean. I don't know what I want. It changes everyday. But now I actually feel. Never thought I could fill the void. Never thought the smell of cigarettes and Tijuana could be so comforting.

This is the most emotional I've been in a long time.

When I start to feel confident something happens where I begin to question myself. I've been thinking about my future a lot and all I know is I want to travel and I have this crazy plan that I wanted to go through with in February but I realize it's closer than I thought and I'm super fucking anxious about it. I wish I could be super confident all the time, it would make my life a hundred percent easier.

One of my cousins that I grew up with is moving to Japan tomorrow with her family. It didn't really hit me until like earlier today. Thanksgiving aren't going to be the same. Christmas isn't going to be the same. I feel like my family is disappearing and it's fucking with me a little.

My mom keeps venting me about my dad and it's fucking with me. It makes me very jaded about the idea of love. (Like I already wasn't)

I've been dating someone for two months. I do like him a lot but lately I feel like I deserve better and why do I put up with his shit. I don't know if it's because I'm scared that I'm becoming vulnerable to someone because it's been a long time or if he really is an asshole and I shouldn't put up with his shit.

I cried today and I don't remember the last time that I have. I was riding my bike listening to Beach House and something came over me. I felt like I couldn't breathe and then tears just started coming out.

You know I feel like I've been also losing myself a little. Maybe it's because I haven't been home and on vacation for the past two weeks but I need to get back into the groove. I've just been sleeping, working, and hanging out with my man friend. I haven't read or written anything. 

Everything will be good, everything will be fine. Life is still beautiful.

Never Sleep With Your Coworker Part 3

I wanted to scream and say

I'm done

You stuck your tongue 

In my mouth

"Stop overthinking"

Tongue tied

All I could manage to say was

Okay

Las Vegas

I need to get into a better habit of taking pictures instead just snapchatting.

I said in the post before that I think about moving to Vegas often. It's cheap and there's always jobs. The only thing I would struggle with is the heat also I'm scared that I'm seeing it very different. This trip though convinced me more about moving there though.

Vegas has really good food. I remember going as a kid and the food was pretty shitty I don't know if it's because I have a better reasoning of choosing a restaurant or if Vegas has truly improved.

Shopping is always good in Vegas. I went with my dad and he spoiled me for sure. He bought me this beautiful string of Rose quarts necklace. Also bought me some other stuff but that was the highlight.

I saw The Stone Foxes live. It was a free show and I really loved their energy. It was quite the experience.

I really want to read more into the mob history. I dabbled in it a little bit and it's fairly interesting.

Las Vegas art district and Fremont street are rad. Fremont street seems to be booming more than in the past. They have some pretty cool bars down there. The strip is too damn expensive for fucking gimmicks.

Random Thoughts

I came back from Vegas and Vegas is amazing. I think about moving there pretty often.

I wondering when I won't be hot and cold about the idea of love. I'm just forever jaded from my past relationship and my family's relationships.

My man friend pisses me off a lot. He's really sweet and I know when he's kinda of inconsiderate, he doesn't do it on purpose but it's getting hard to deal with.  But it's kinda nice having someone that actually really cares for you romantically but it's also really irritating. It's hard. I'm telling you this hot/cold phenomenon is too much.

I got a raise at work and had a super nice review experience. I still really fucking hate my job.

My planned adventure is coming a lot sooner than I'm realize and I need to start saving and buying my supplies. I'm starting to get stress. 

I hate that society puts happiness as something to achieve but happiness is a feeling it comes and goes. You will always be unhappy about some aspect but I still have it burned into my head that I have to be happy 24/7 that's the goal, when it really is an empty goal. 

I like to be anywhere but home.