Hey I can't sleep and it's really a fucking inconvenience

I've already masturbated twice, but I mean it's been a good while anyway.

Why do I keep agreeing to going in on my days off?

I say fuck too much.

I had kind of a weird interaction with a coworker and I don't know how to deal with it lol. 

I told my therapist I had trouble sleeping and she tells me to do these breathing exercises. I never do them.

My therapist told me she quit and she's training a new person. I'm kinda sad about it. 

I was talking to my cousins daughter asking what she wants to be when she grows up and what she does on her fee time. She replied "I don't really know I just feel really lost with myself." Like damn girl you are only eleven but tell me about it!!!

I'm kinda happy with myself because I've kept up with my journaling!

I want to be in a place where no one knows me for a little bit. I haven't wanted to be so alone in awhile.

I'm in love with telltale games. I just bought the whole collection.

Anyway I think I'm going to try those breathing except use because I do have to be awake in a few hours. 

I think my septum piercing is infected//I miss you

I changed my septum horseshoe piercing into a fancy septum clicker. It has opal and cubic zirconia jewels. I changed it a little too soon. It was a regular work day and I went into the bathroom. I pushed my nose up and the pressure stinged. Pus starts to pour out. I wasn't amused but it reminded me a time of you. Young fools in love.

I was a freshman in college. I've always wanted my septum pierced but that was going to be a no go with my parents. Here was my chance! I went with my roommates that hated me but hey I got the support. You came to visit a week later. You still had a month until you moved to Davis. When you were about to leave I sat on top of you and was wearing my favorite jeans and a SFSU sweater. Underneath I had a sheer body suit I wore just for you. Ronnie and Conor were waiting outside for you. It was a long way back home. I still got nervous before I kissed you. I tried not to tremble. I looked into your eyes, I was scared of a lot. I was on my own, barely any money, a big city, and no friends. You grabbed my face towards yours and kissed me gently. I scrunched my face in pain. It was my septum piercing. It was still tender to touch. He said with much concern "Are you okay?" I smiled and said "Yeah I'm okay." 

Random Thoughts

My friends came to visit a few days ago and it's the most fun I have had for awhile. 

It's surprising how many strangers are willing to let you take a photo of them.

My jaw was really sore yesterday and then I remembered.

Zumiez is actually a super rad company. I'm just happy they sent me some free Sketchy Tank things just because.

I'm in love with my Instax camera.

I got a guest complaint yesterday. The thing is I was being a little condescending but my manager didn't even care enough to talk to me about it.

My ex boyfriend called me super drunk  the other day. I don't like it but I really miss him. I hate it actually. I won't even give anyone else a chance because of it. How long does it fucking take to really get over your first love?

Just some things this month

About Last Night/Deja Vu/Random Thoughts

So I love when a guy who has had a crush on me for awhile but I told his ass twice I didn't like him and I don't want a relationship decides to talk shit on me on the Internet. Like I'm a thot cause I never even let you hug me and I don't want to talk to your crazy ass that makes up lies to do some reverse psychology shit. Okay but are you mad or naw? SWERVE!

I went out last night and it was fucking weird. I'm going to start with this second part.

I went to a weird restaurant/club with my coworkers last night. I've been there before, it was close to Halloween the first time I went there. I met this guy at the bar around Halloween time and we talked for a good while and I danced with him. He was a lame so I just walked away. Then this girl pounced on him. So last night he was there and that girl who pounced on him was there too. Weird right? But another girl was all over him like It was fucking bad. But he did manage to get away from her and he came up and hugged me and said its nice seeing you again. Next thing you know that girl all over him pushes me away from him. Girl you can have him!

During Halloween time I went to the bathroom and I wasn't paying attention before I left a girl said hey there is toliet paper on your shoe. The same exact thing happened last night.

They had the same exact bartenders and body guards that night. I guess that isn't that weird but you think they would mix it up ya know?

Dude I got fucking game. I just don't want it. I really wish boys would leave me the hell alone except that vendor from  work but you know how that shit go.

Earlier in the night I went to the casino. Casinos are fucking awful and I'll never understand the thrill.

There was a guy at the casino with crazy nice style and that never happens in the desert and if you read my blog there is a post where I explain guys and style, it means a lot. He was staring at me and I was trying so hard not to make eye contact. I'm trying to be good.

I had a Oreo churro. It was interesting.

I love my coworkers they are fucking great honestly.

I don't know how I survived work today honestly.

There's this older man that works with me and he's so cool to me. At first I never talked to him but one time he saw me pour about ten sugars in a coffee. (I really hate coffee but I needed it that day) He made fun of me for it. But when we really started talking I happened to bring a Canon AE-1 to work one day. He saw it and we had this huge conversation about photography. Then he started telling me a bunch of different stories and he's quite an interesting fellow. He married his high school sweetheart at 18 and been married ever since. They been having problems lately and he got a position in Oregon and that's where all their family lives. She told him she would rather get a divorce then move with him. I don't know the full story but it's sad. Today was his last day and I'm really going to miss him.

Random Thoughts

I really dislike 98% of my family right now. I'm questioning why I even moved out of San Francisco in the first place. That's a bit dramatic but it's bad.

If you ever lie to me, I will find out and I won't forgive you.

My brother bought me Chapstick. He's a real one honestly. 

I'm starting to develop a little crush on this vendor at my work. I've always thought he was cute but lately we've been exchanging words more than hello and how are you. He's interesting. The past few crushes I have had were boring and lacked passion. He doesn't. There's something a little off about him so ya know I'm keeping my distance.

My friends are coming to visit next week and I'm so happy I could cry.

I really need to go on a mini vaca because I feel like I'm going to go fucking insane.

Lately I've been thinking about moving to Vegas. Ever since Halloween I've been bedazzling bras and underwear. I want to work a normal job and do burlesque on the side. I think it would be nice.

I've been watching a lot of burlesque videos on YouTube lately.

I'm such an idealist. It's a part of me I like and I hope it never goes away. I just need more confidence in myself. How does one gain more confidence in oneself?

About last night

I remember kissing a boy. Don't know his name though hahaha. After I kissed him I just walked away too.

Two of my coworkers invited me out last night and I thought it was odd but I had a lot of fun.

Well tequilla my dude. It's going to be the end of me.

My coworker got a married woman's number. Shake my damn head.

Whenever I get drunk I love taking nudes. It's my favorite drunk pass time.

This bartender I dated before I moved to Southern California randomly texted me. I actually did like him so I texted him back. It's just weird because he was trying to fuck my friend after I left and I haven't talk to him in awhile.

I didn't get anyone's number I'm so proud of myself.

I use to never get hangovers. I'm getting too old for this shit.

A Random Ass Story and Tidbit

The other night I was talking to some guy because I saw his cauliflower ear and it's always a dead give away (you are a wrestler or you do jiu jistu). I started up a little convo and what not and he mentioned the gym he did jiu jistu at. A long time ago my cousin's ex boyfriend had a friend who trained at that gym and he's been randomly in my mind ever since. I had a craving for a frappuccino so I took my dog on a walk to a Starbucks that's close to me. As soon as I walk in its him! He's just sitting there on his computer. It was kinda weird. I was going to say something because we did make eye contact but I didn't think it was worth it. 

Anyway a few months ago I had a one night stand, well kinda. I was on a mini vacation and when it was time to go back home he texted me saying he hoped I made it home okay. He also listened to me about my friends drama and seem concerned. We also had sex more than one night so yeah. I didn't text him back though because I'm a horrible person who loves attention and when I get my fix I get over it. He was really sweet and kinda looked like Matt Mcgory. Anyway he texted me randomly today, still didn't text back. It's very eerie. My life right now is very much like the girl Drake sings about in Hotline Bling.

Sunday Night Football.

Odell Beckham Jr. is my husband.

Lol to the Giants choking though, good game though. 

It's so fucking sad that Jarryd Hayne gets cuts from the 49ers and then Reggie Bush tears his ACL. 

I really thought Jarryd Hayne was going to be a star though with his highlights in preseason.

Although he is a disappointment, Colin Kaepernick is my husband.

There was so many questionable calls in the Cowboys vs Seahawks game, like what were the refs thinking?

I hope Ricardo Lockette is okay.

The Cowboys really needs Romo because Matt Cassel isn't cutting it.

Why is the media trying to make Dez Bryant look like a bad guy? smh! I know everyone was worried about Lockette and I don't believe for one second he said that's what he gets.

This isn't football related but who really is a Mets fan? Like I don't even think New Yorkers are Mets fans.