Update****

My mom bought me a forty, I am happy but nothing I say changes.

Family Matters

Why did I think going to LA to see family I'm so resentful of was a good idea?

I really don't appreciate 99.9% of my moms side of the family. They are all bunch of bullies and to be honest a lot of them treat me like shit unless something extreme happens like me getting hit by a car.

I was hoping there would be alcohol around to make this situation bareable. There is no alcohol.

Okay so I think I'm being a little dramatic but I'm fucking bitter they have done some pretty shitty things and I honestly don't think I'll forgive them for. They haven't been there for the important parts of my life other than me getting hit by a car and I can't remember the last time they even called to say Happy Birthday. My aunt Eva though has a good heart and she was there when I was in extreme need. She's also bearable to be around. I feel really bad because she got played like an old fucking Nintendo 64.

My family keeps trying to bring me into the conversation and they know I'm seriously unhappy to be here. I wish I was better at hiding my discontent for them.

All I've wanted to be honest was to have a better relationship with them but I just don't think it's possible. I think I'm okay with just keeping them on the back burner of my mind for the rest of my life. No matter how shitty it sounds.

I really wish I was back in Tennessee just worrying what I would see or do next and it was simple and I was kinda in love and got to be in bed with a cute boy. Life sucks my dude but is also rad at the same time.

I hate my job

Fake smiles

Can only take you so far 

Complaints 

Will take you above and beyond

In the hell hole

We call retail

The roses blooming from my head

Bring some happiness 

To the melancholy moody folks

But I'm ready to evolve

Ready to leap 

No mouthful of sand

Broken teeth

Blood pouring out of my ears

And eyes

This time

Struggle is inevitable

Fear isn't optional  

Random Thoughts

Maybe it's because I didn't eat much today or since I have cut down my drinking but I felt like I was truly buzzing off two beers.

The way I'm feeling about my ex is freaking me out and I don't know what's going on with me.

God damn why are road bikes so fucking expensive!!!

You know recently I have been in a good mood but now people are fucking testing me. Some people can suck my ass from the back.

Falling for people like me sucks and I don't want it. I'm second guessing myself  and I'm just over it (not really but almost) In all honesty I get what I want and don't know what the fuck to do with it but not really because the lord knows I don't want distance and also I don't fucking understand him and what he wants from me entirely and I just don't want to bother him or act like I care because like the circumstances are super hard and ugh I'm just ranting and not making any fucking sense. I must suck to guys that are normal and know what they want lol.

I hate being a secret hopeless romantic.

I learned to be more confident in myself and my work and what I quote on quote want to do but not confident to be like hey one of my main goals to fall in love and have a family but it's like because 99.9% of guys I meet or what not fucking suck, so is it really my fault.

I hung out my best friend today and he really changed my perspective on kids and what not although my perspective was already shifting.

I can't stop listening to "Oh Honey" by The Delegation.

The way some men claim ownership of their girlfriends and wives is fucking disgusting.

I need to stop romantizing people who fucking suck.

03/29/2016

"The soft melodies of your voice suck me in. I could tell I woke you up but you lie to me and say no I was awake. There is excitement in my voice and I'm tried to disguise it with my cynical humor. I don't think you could tell anyway. I don't know what I'm feeling entirely but I want to hit a panic button and float away. I'm addicted and can't escape either. We tell each jokingly we hate each other because we can't tell each other I love you anymore. Never knowing where the line is or when this story will end."

Her

I know I'm super late but I finally watched the movie Her (2013)

I wish I saw it sooner. I can honestly say it's one of the best movies of the decade. Most of your probably already seen it but if you haven't watch it.

In this time of my life it was something I needed to watch. My love life is extremely complicated in every sense and at all times but this made me feel okay about it. It made me feel validated of all the strange things I feel and also wanting to hide sometimes. How hard it is to give yourself to someone and show who you really are.

This movie made me want to cry. I've been super emotional lately. I would usually say I hate being emotional, it's better than feeling empty. I feel for the longest time I made myself try not to feel anything and I was constantly trying to fill a void. I don't know if that makes sense, I'm still trying to figure myself out and how my emotions works. I'm an extremely complicated human being and I'm finally becoming okay with that. I'm growing to love myself everyday.

Anyway if you are going through a break up or still struggling, have a hard time letting people in, introverted, and etc please watch this movie. I'm serious it's so great and I don't want to give many details. Don't be too late like me.

Random Thoughts

I'm so proud of my mom. She joined Black People Meet. Like I think that's fucking ridiculous but it's a sign that she's kinda moving on.

I hung out with my dad before my trip and he's going to Coachella. My dad is more hip than I am.

I finally called out sick for once. My throat is on fucking fire and I'm going to take care of myself for once. 

I finally wrote a poem for this boy and I'm afraid to send it to him. 

I think I'm going to try and go to Portland in May.

Someone buy me some vegan chocolate.

I never been so happy in my life and it's so wild. I usually have a bad attitude but lately I have had his three little birds mentality. I wish I was like this always.

I miss Nashville and being surrounded by music all the time. Take me back!

I went vegan pretty much overnight and my body is going through shock because all I ever ate was bagels, chips, coffee, and alcohol.

I need to get my passport and become an international bitch.

Have you ever felt love at first sight?

I seem to be drifting away 

I'm being pulled like a magnet 

A red light 

Filled with more than desire

Shining right of your face

An immediate visceral attraction

I tried to fight it

But you felt it too

A crowded bar

Loud country music

I can only think about 

Wanting to know your ins and outs

Your light and dark 

How your fingers would feel 

Laced with mine

A musty hotel room

Tangled limbs

Restless, trying to sketch 

Every detail of you 

Still trying to fight 

But it's hopeless

I love you

 

This is the room where it happened.

The chairs had faded flower fabric from the 70's that gave off a musty smell. The table was one supported by three legs. The forth leg wasn't anywhere near the ground.

It was a non-smoking room but reaked of cigarette butts.

The bed could of been worse. It was a little hard but I could stretch out my limbs, I could have you.

The lighting was a disgusting yellow that seem to discolor everything, but you.

Hey it was only $40 a night.

I fell in love with you 

& this is the room where it happened.

Nashville

I just got back from Nashville and it was a hell of a trip and super validating. I met some amazing people who have encouraged me to follow my dreams and didn't make me feel so fucking crazy for going on a trip by myself.

Nashville was so lit I forgot I turned 23.

My exboyfriend bought me a gold Casio illuminator watch and I'm forever grateful. He knows me too well.

Nashville music scene is pretty great. I really wish I was musically inclined.

After this trip I feel very focused on my life but at the same time still very confused. I feel like I going to try and make better decisions. Tonight my friends invited me out, at first I said yes but I really thought about it and I can't do that shit anymore. I might just disappear and really focus on my quote on quote art. I've been fucking around too much.

Oh I'm also seriously becoming a vegan. Wild Right? I don't like Nashville's food to be honest and their beer isn't that great. But the people make up for it big time. The hospitality I was shown was unbelievable.

If you ever find yourself in Nashville go to the Blue Bird Cafe. You won't regret it my dudes. It was honestly the best musical experience of my life.

I fell in love my dudes. It's wild. It's not very conventional (if it was, would that be me?) I've never felt so connected to someone so strongly and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of it. It's fucking deep too. He wrote me a poem and I felt like I wanted to die. He is so beautiful in every way. I can't stop thinking about him. Although it sounds like I'm head over heels, I'm a realist and maybe things could work out but most likely it won't. I just appreciate him so much because he made me know I am capable of feeling and emotion and of love when I really felt like I wasn't. It really takes the right person.

I could write more in detail of other things but he is all I can think about right now and I kinda hate it. 

What's Going On?

The first thing I remember you said to me is

"Do you like to party?"

"Yes, maybe a little too much.

We may have said a little more before this, but this is where it truly began. This alcoholic complicated modern quote on quote romance.

I had took two Tramadol, ready to go to sleep. I got a text:

"Hey meet us in Old Town."

I thought it over in a minute and said fuck it.

"I'll be there in twenty,"

I put on my tight black romper I bought at Charlotte Russe a week ago and called an Uber.

When I got there thinking it was going to be a group but it was only you and Ed. I felt anxious, only talked to either you a number of times. The night became a night to remember but forgotten. A theme common in our lives. It solidify our relationship.

Many drunk nights, many drunk conversations,

You always got angry at my foolish drunk mistakes (running off) and I never understood why.

Already drunk out of my mind, flashes of pink and red lights all around in the club:

"Hey lets get a drink."

The words to my drunk heart.

Blur
Blur
Blur

"What is this tension between us?"

"What?"

Lasers of pink and red,
blue and green,
white and gold.

Blur
Blur
Blur

I only remember your arms tightly around me and your hands laced with mine. Not knowing how but not caring.

Living in the moment.

You lightly biting my ear and I softly kissed your neck.

The next day pretending nothing ever happened.

Confused
Confused
Confused

Drunk again on Ed's floor with you cuddling me. This isn't me. This isn't you. You grab my boob. That's more like it.

"Your boobs are really nice."
I smile to myself
"I know."
"Wait till you get old."

I laughed grabbing at your belt. Could I cross this line? Do friends and lover coexist? I pushed you away, not caring to know. Going to pretend nothing happened again.

Random Thoughts

My mom is staring to irritate me. I think it's because she asks me very stupid questions, makes very odd conversation, and also she wants me to settle down so she says things like "Hannah no one likes an easy girl." 

All I want right now is a Bloody Mary. (x5)

Okay so I have had a crush on this guy and he finally asked me out. Everything was real peachy until we got into the Ex talk (which we all fucking know that's a no no). Let's just say it turned me off so much we already had two more dates set up and I just ignored all his texts and snapchats when the time came.

Another thing if a guy ever says he's a nice guy, he probably isn't. 

I have this weird connection with my coworker/friend. I don't know what it is because honestly sometimes I don't get why we are fucking friends. We are so opposite but everytime or at least lately we end up all over each other. We almost had sex the other night and everytime we see each other we pretend nothing happened but it HAPPENS EVERYTIME. I feel like I don't care but I most care a little bit.

Every guy I've been viscerally attracted to has sucked as a person except one but honestly he fucked me over so I guess you can say he sucked as a person.

My coworker has a crush on me and has asked me on two dates. We've never really talked and IM SO FUCKING CONFUSED. Like why do you like me?!?!?!

My birthday is coming up and so is my trip to Nashville. Honestly stocked and nervous at the same time.

I thought for awhile maybe I needed a guy who was calm, someone to keep me grounded. In all honesty I need someone just as fucked up as me. In all honesty fuck a relationship though. 

I went to Oceanside the other day and I think I don't want to move out of California anymore. I honestly want to be there. I said that when I moved out of the bay and somehow lost sight of it.