Random Thoughts

I love how my mind is working. I'm scared for the future but I'm at point when I'm not seconding guessing myself for once.

So the other day I was in the break room talking to my two white coworkers and telling them the concept of looking at the world colorblind is harmful because you erase my experience and culture as a poc. They really were speaking over me until my coworker Ethan came in and said well white privilage is a real things and you guys will never have to worry or even think about the things Hannah goes through. One was like was I blind this whole time and how can I be so naive. Like I hate how it takes a white person to say it and for other white people to believe it but a lot of white people are quiet and I was so happy when Ethan said something.

I hate lust. It's awful but I'm getting better about how it affects me. Celibate gang.

I want to go on this whole outdoor expedition. I have so much research to do. Growing up I just wanted to be a Boy Scout and I want my dream to come true.

I've been so happy but discontent at the same time. It's an odd feeling. The discontent is mostly with work, some with family.

Untitled 2

So numb

Numb enough 

That your weight feels like a feather

Your tongue feels weaker than a light

Ocean breeze

"You like that baby?"

I laugh and say yes 

To make you feel better 

Hoping I don't feel empty

Random Thoughts, really just an angry rant

I really hate my job and it's getting really bad. Everyday I come in it's the worse fucking day of my life. I'm thinking I shouldn't give a fuck and everything will be better like the movie Office Space. 

I was going to give myself until December because I put some of my check in the stocks but I might just quit after August or getting my settlement because fuck me, I shouldn't be this unhappy. 

A guy pulled over his car while I was walking my dog to try and talk to me and like? That's super creepy and honestly makes him the scum of the earth. I have enough to worry about being a woman.

Why are males so concerned if a woman smiles? like fuck you my dude.

Can you tell I'm from California and from the valley with all these fucking likes I'm using.

I haven't been this angry in awhile and it honestly makes me want to cry how angry I am but I'm at work and I'm not going out like that.

South Florida

I listened to my voicemail over and over.

"I just really want to see you."

I hoped everytime I listened to it I would feel something like before, like when I saw you at the blue bird, when you kissed me goodbye, or when you played me a song. "I really want to see you." All I feel is empty, wanting to runaway like I always do.

Current mood board

San Francisco

I have a love hate relationship for the city and usually when I go visit I can't wait to go back home this time it was different. It fits me more than ever. A lot of vegan options, good coffee, and people actually ride bikes! Still won't ever move back there.

A lot of my friends are unhappy and it's weird to see. Not until a few days ago, I was extremely content within myself. I know happiness is a temporary feeling that comes and goes but sometimes I feel like they are never happy and it makes me sad. I just want them to be happy and doing what they want.

I had a vegan horchata latte that I can't stop thinking about. I hate how some food and drinks have that effect on me.

San Francisco is still a fucked up place like any other place in the world don't get me wrong but it's so different than Southern California. I'm a super liberal which doesn't go well here at least the town I live in and it's weird to go into a city where people get it. Almost eerie.

I went into a record store and was going to buy Saturday Night Fever on vinyl because it was only a $1! I didn't have cash and he said don't worry about it, get me next time and honestly that was the nicest thing I have experienced in awhile.

I went on a crazy 7 mile hike and this is why I hate snapchat because I never take photos on my phone I can save but at least these memories always stay with me. 

I met a bartender about a year ago and I happened to run into him again this visit. We actually hung out. He's a pretentious dick to be honest but I'm glad I got to hang out with him because I learned a lot. It's hard to explain. He told me to not to be scared and do what I want because things usually fall into place. I really needed that.

San Francisco makes me never want to drink again but at the same time it makes me realize how passionate I am about alcohol. Weird but true. That mezcal trend need to die in the cocktail scene up there. It reminds me when fernet was cool a few years ago.

I felt like I may have been drifting away from my friends but this trip brought me so much closer and I think these people will be my friends for life and it's weird. I've grown so much and I've seen them grow as well. 

Life is so fucking strange especially in San Francisco.

Random Thoughts

I had sex with my ex boyfriend the other night and it really is fucking with me emotionally. 

I went out with Janiece the other night and got so drunk but I got into my feelings mostly because a lot of people were killing my vibe and what happened the other night.

That being said I told my ex I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I had to cut the cord.

My love life outside of that incident is a mess and I just want to be very single but also undesirable just for little while. I need that time for myself. I'm almost a hundred but not quite there.

I want to buy a guitar and a harmonica and start a folk indie band with my friend Kandice. Either way I want to learn how to play guitar.

Janiece and I were talking to some boys in the club and everything was going well until some random boys told them their tattoos sucked and they wanted to get all hyper masculine. One of the guys confronted me about it and said what if someone try to question your womanhood? I laughed and got somewhat offended and told that boy I don't have to prove myself to anyone because I know who I am. For "womanhood" I haven't done my eyebrows over a year, I hardly wear makeup, and I don't wear heels. I'm really into building muscles and doing things solo. So I don't know if you want to speak about conventional femininity. I'm still pissed about that.

My cousin got me tickets to Joyce Manor and I'm so fucking stoked my dudes.

I still have to write about what happened in San Francisco because it was a hell of a trip.

I want my job to fire me so I can actually look for a new job. Also I'm really having a pick up all my shit and go and figure it out later type feeling. I need to get away for real and real soon.

Currently reading One Hundred Years Of Solitude because it's been recommended to me by numerous people. I can't get into it though. I'm going to stick it out though.

His love came and went like seasons.

I never minded it.

When the sun beater on my back, 

I wished him away.

When the rain shed,

I wished for him to be my shelter.

We never did match.

Random Thoughts

I'm changing and really quickly. It's weird but I'm proud of myself. I'm going to do something big soon for myself.

You know for a moment I told myself I was in love and I realize I'm not. It takes more for me and I don't know if I'm made for this typical movie romance or just how monogamy. I want it but I don't know if I'm truly capable. I guess there was my ex but that's a horrible example.

I always go to the nutrition shop by my work and the manager there is so great. He's super knowledgable and I want to be him. I'm in superficial love.

I honestly fall in superficial love everyday.

There is this guy who always comes into my work and really just asks me questions about school and what not. He's really cute but that's not why I'm in superficially in love with him. He bikes around the world and I want to be him.

When I'm in superficial love it's mostly because I admire them as a person not their looks.

Although I am in superficial love with my coworker. He's super cute and nice. I don't know anything about him so I can't say I admire him.

I really hate my gym, like the guys are there are gross and they cut my lock when I was on vacation and I'm high key kinda pissed about it but I didn't trip. I'm mad but what can I do. *shrugs

I got a two random checks in the mail because apparently I overpaid one of my bills and I guess my work was fucking with my money and like I feel so blessed.

I'm super disappointed in my friends (SoCal friends) and I don't know how to deal with it.

White Boys Stress Me Out

I don't know how many times you can tell me you guys are just friends and I'll actually believe you. I told you "You pay for her shit. She pays for yours. You court her." "No that's just what friends do. I'll take you out next week." I smiled and didn't say anything. I didn't know how to react.

You turn around for a superficial conversation. I think of all the things I can say to you. You turn back around and all I can say is "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "You say she's a bitch but you are still around." "She's easy." Your comment turned my stomach, wondering why I even like you. I asked you "Where you always a dick?" You take a sip of your bud light and said "No I realized it gets me what I want every time." Not knowing where this will go but I hope you will soften like play dough. I want to feel your softness, see your pain, weakness, and vulnerability. No more Mr. tough guy. I never liked that part of you. I like you raw. It's rare but it was always more honest. You were always the most honest.

Random Thoughts

The other day I thought this lady was going to go off on me because to be honest I was hardcore checking out her husband like I couldn't help it. But instead she came up to me and said "You are really cute." It was the biggest relief ever.

I have to get through the this day of work and finally I'm on vacation. I really did miss San Francisco.

I wish I was more trusting in what people told me how they felt about me. I'm just really scared to feel for someone and get hurt. That shit sucks my dudes.

Dude working out and switching my diet to vegan has work wonders for me. I can actually sleep and I don't get tired through out the day and I'm like super happy and not so angry anymore. 

Side note: I hate most of the vegan community. Most of y'all are fucking coons, some of y'all are cool.

My credit line has been increased and I'm tempted my dude but I'll probably spend it on a ticket to Florida.

How do people live simple lives? I mean I know everyone got some issues but fuck I want a simple life where I do nothing but work and do hobby stuff. No more parties, no more party friends. Just me, my dog, and a partner.

Blue is my internal feeling-Visuals

Love

You pull me to the side and said "We're just friends. Nothing is going on between us." 

This was a minutes after of making a bad decision of letting a stranger stick his tongue down my throat, grab my ass and boobs, and try to rub my pussy. It felt good but it didn't make me feel good. Filling in the void.

I was drunk I don't remember but you got so mad you tried to pull me away. But you should of know better, I don't like to listen.

I looked you straight into your eyes when you said that. I said "She told me you were in love with her."

It was true, she did. Hours before that's when I first saw her. I went to met you and a few other friends at a pizza place after the gym. My heart sunk when you brought someone. Play it cool Hannah. Play it cool.

I played it too cool.

You said "You know me. I don't fall in love. We're the same me and you."