Shooting Star

I took my dog for a walk. It's the only time I get to review and then clear my mind. I was having flashbacks of bad decisions and failed romance, accomplish conquest (a better word).

All of a sudden I saw a bright burst of green light. I was scared, was it an falling airplane, maybe a ufo (I've been playing too much Saint Rows 4). I saw the light turn yellow and leave a trail. A shooting star! It was my first time seeing one. All I could think from then on is, I wished everything would work between you and I.

A letter to my lover

Where do I begin? I want to say I know I suck. I feel like you put more of an effort in communication and expressing emotion but the truth is I think of you all the time. I think about texting and calling you all the time but I feel like I may annoy you or it would be the wrong time. I'm wildly insecure about those things. Another truth, I'm very scared of how I feel for you. Before I met you, I was truly a downer on the idea of love, almost gave up on the concept. I met you and I don't know. I think of the short time we spent together and it makes me so happy and I feel like a better person for that moment. I hope I don't sound crazy because I feel it. The idea of letting a person into my life is something I have to re-learn. I hope all is well with you. I hope you're happy. I hope to see you this summer. I know we have told each other but is it weird to say I love you? 

Bicycle

I didn't learn how to ride a bicycle until I was 12 but look at me now. Free. Listening to Dawes on my way to work.

Everyone is in a hurry. No time to look and breathe. 

I notice the girl in her giant black suv and huge sunglasses pick her nose. I notice the pain in a woman's eye while she tries to merge onto the freeway to somewhere new. I see the hunger of a full time employee trying to find something quick to eat but is tired of all the same places.

Does anyone see me?

Visuals

Random thoughts

Guys with nose piercings be fucking up my life. Everytime I see a guy with a nose piercing I melt in my shoes and I don't know why. Biggest weakness to nice teeth. Like this skinny white boy is giving me life right now and ugh.

I'm so dramatic. I love my friends and they love me. Why am I so distrusting? It's not way to live.

I really hate my job and need to figure something else out proto.

I've been working out and eating healthy and I've been on a good streak but I need a better balance because I haven't been writing in my journal as often but I have been reading!

Dude my brother have some great friends that somehow are now friends with me now. He's a lucky dude. I do have some legit friends but his are different, I don't know how to explain it but I realize I never let anyone get too close.

I'm back to black! Lavender was fun while it lasted.

Apparently I need to get laid but for once I don't have the urge to fuck a random stranger lmfao.

Everytime I feel like I'm might be drifting away from him, he says something cute to pull me right in.

Random Thoughts

I think I'm really into cutting people out of my life. All the people I go out and party with aren't my true friends and everyday it becomes more evident. I do care about them but it's not replicated and I do not care for relationships like that. I realize more of them don't know a damn thing about me and I feel like I can't talk to them unless I'm really drunk. I feel like I've been a little bitter with how they been picking and choosing but I'm just tired of childish shit, things with no substance. Really just tired of shitty friendships because when something goes wrong in my life or I want to vent I don't trust them or I don't feel like they are listening. I understand when you grow older why you have less friends. When I say I'm not going out with them anymore, I have to stick with it because I'm not going to do that shit anymore. I don't like how this makes me feel, how they make me feel.

Honestly I wish I wasn't so scared of rejection. It really holds you back.

I've been kinda irritable lately but it's because I really can't deal with people shit anymore. I feel like I let people walk all over me and I'm over it. But I'm happy and I feel great physically and sort emotionally (I'm still all over the place but I feel less drained) I can actually sleep at night and it's been years where I feel like I get solid sleep.

Prince died today and I did get super emotional about that. I named my first dog after Prince. The first time I ever touched myself was to a Prince song. I use to wear a raspberry beret in high school because of him. That man means a lot more to me than anyone can imagine.

I just want to work out and read and keep to myself. I think I let myself get socially overwhelmed and I am an introverted person. I really wish I could see my SF friends sooner.

Random Thoughts

Dude I'm so done with family that isn't immediate. Don't waste my time please please please. I'm sick of this shit. I'm done even trying to have a relationship with them.

Eating healthy and going to the gym has been surprising easy lately.

Bible thumpers and rude customers not today!

Two more weeks until San Francisco and it can't come any sooner.

I wish I could be clingy and annoying. It would make things a lot more easier figuring out guys intentions but I'm insecure about texting first and what not.

Love is a fucking scary ass concept.

I had a weird dream about my friend and I can't stop thinking about it. 

I've been so angry lately and not able to put up with people's shit. TRY ME!

Today it rained 04/11/2016

I wish I could say I didn't care when you walked out the door for the last time. 

Just a few days ago you got so drunk, you pulled my hair and put your hand in my face and told me you where done with me. For only minutes later for you to lick my face and quickly peck me on my lips.

The grey skies remind me of the specks of ash that mix with the blue in your eyes. That time I went to get lunch across the street. It was pouring rain but rain is the only time I felt cleansed, at one with myself. But you saw me and kept insisting me to get in your truck. My Jack in the Box was going to break soon anyway.

Just a few days ago I got so drunk and threw up in your truck. Bright red, vodka and cranberry. Vodka never did sit so pretty with me. You cleaned it up but I was still so mad that you didn't say happy birthday that I chucked my phone at you.

Someone told me one time that sometimes there isn't gold at the end of the rainbow. Sometimes there is just indifference, worst than the extreme of love or hate. 

I wish I could say I didn't care when you walked out those doors because I knew it was the last goodbye.

FAQ on black women's hair

Don't ask if a black women's hair is real.

Don't ask how long it took.

Don't ask if it's a wig or hat.

Black women aren't your personal petting zoo.

I know your curious but honestly it's none of your fucking business, so mind your own.

A Random Update

I got so drunk that I threw up in my friends truck. It makes me never want to get drunk in my life again. I blacked out for the first time too.

I have this super weird connection with my friend and it's starting to get a little out of control. I don't even know how I feel about him because I'm not attracted to him and he really makes me mad 90% of the time but we always end up messing around and I'm confused and we never talk about it. We just kinda pretend nothing happened and everyone knows and everyone teases us about it. I'm tired of it though, I really am. I'm tired of a lot of things though.

I have so many travel plans and I'm super stocked about them. I'm going to SF next month and quite possibly Portland. The month after that I might go to Florida but that still iffy. The month after that one Vegas!!!

I think I want to dabble more in photography and buy a nice digital and start using the 35mm I have. 

This is going to be my year. I'm starting to believe in myself more and more everyday. I'm starting to learn more about balance. I'm growing to love myself more and more everyday. It's a great feeling. I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I'm happy and I haven't been this happy ever. 

Hey guys I'm still in love and it's wild. I'm scared but I'm going to take a chance. (Maybe)

Also I got very bold and got lavender box braids.

One step at a time my friends.

Random thoughts

I'm feeling very petty and sad right now. I get in these weird periods where I feel like my friends don't really want to be my friend. I'm a freak of nature though that over thinks everything.

Dude talking to my coworkers about their marriages makes me even more scared of falling in love.

I need to get out soon. I need to not work with people so much older than me because you can see the lack of respect.

Why are people so snobby when you tell them you are vegan/vegetarian. Like someone asked me what my favorite pizza is and I said oh well I don't really eat it, I'm vegan, why do people feel the need to rant about how they love meat and don't give a fuck about animals. Like!!!!!!!! 

I want to really go to Portland and Philadelphia. Philadelphia because of a coffee shop called Grindcore coffee house. I want to go everywhere to be honest.

This is super short but I needed a place to rant because I feel so sad and angry and I've been really happy lately but I've let people break my spirits and I hate it.

Random Thoughts

I was suppose to get lavender box braids and so I drove my ass all the way to LA to get them done, just for the person to do my hair not pick up their phone or anything.

I did end up going to The Alley in LA and I haven't been there since shopping for my prom dress. It's where I went to a lot as a kid and it hasn't changed much.

I saw a boy that made me want to die. He had tattoos all over and he had a super rad style (he was wearing cowboy boots!) He did glance at me hard for awhile and I did an awkward smile. If you are this boy that saw me at a fruit stand in LA, I'm in superficial love with you.

I went to my friends show. He's a rapper and I even bought his mixtape(I haven't opened it yet) Anyway I went to this show and he surprised me. He was really good and I wish he would take it more seriously. I'm proud though it was a big step for him.

I got really drunk and I'm pretty sure I blacked out. I threw up in my friend's truck and also ran into a screen door. Not my finest moment and I'm pretty sure I've  never been so drunk in my life. Also I did have fun with what I do remember.

I really wish soulmates was a real concept   because I feel connected to multiple people and I can't help it. Sure I feel more for others but it doesn't erase feelings. But let me tell you I always felt conflicted about this one guy and that night I got really drunk validated yeah I'm pretty sure I like him but I'm still going to pretend nothing is going on between us even though everyone knows.

The boy I met in Nashville makes me truly wants to die. I haven't really felt so strongly about a person in awhile. I want to talk to him all the time and I want to see him again. I just pretend I don't but I think of him all the time.

I love you

I love you

I love you

A hundred times over

Why won't I let anyone in?

I don't want you to love you anymore.

Feeding on me like a parasite 

Latching on you like a leech

Passion filled 

Love

With the same 

For once

But it's not the same

Weak

Will it ever compare?