Visceral Attraction Part 2

I walked desperate but not hopeful. I opened the door and gazed up the stairs. Took a deep breath and got a whiff of pungent chain seafood restaurant smell. It would be my third interview and I only had twenty dollars in my name for a month. My shy nature was getting me nowhere, in college, in a proper social life, and a job search.

Took another deep breath and walked up the stairs. I remembered like it was yesterday. I was greeted quickly by Mikey. The best quick description is a dark haired Ken doll. He was warm and reassuring. It made me less nervous than I usually am. He told me to sit at a booth, 201, a manager would be right with me.

You came out from the kitchen doors wearing double denim and a backward's cap brown long hair peaking out from the sides. I looked at you and you smiled gently. I felt all my blood had sank to my feet but somehow my head, my mind was floating away. I don't know why but I knew it was you.  You came straight to me knowing I was already interviewing. You politely introduced yourself, ask me what job I was interviewing for, and told me not to be nervous. You then left down the stairs. It was a quick interaction but one that's has been etched deep in my memory.

The managers soon came after than and to my surprise I was hired on the spot. I was excited, blissful. I got out of the restaurant quick with a wide grin quickly dialing my boyfriend, telling him the good news. I was happy because it was a matter of survival but at the point I couldn't stop thinking of you.

That's when I knew I had to stay away, that's when I knew there was going to be trouble. And there was, a lot of it.

I tried my best to stay away. You tried to make small conversation but my shy nature blew you off. But you kept trying until she came a few month later and you guys started dating. I was devastated and I didn't know why.

Summer had passed and I had been hell and back with my boyfriend. I was confused because I had this magnetic romantic attraction for a stranger, more than I had ever felt for my boyfriend but I couldn't leave and I wouldn't.

My boyfriend came to visit me one night around Halloween. He was broke but I was desperate to see him so I paid for his train ticket to San Francisco. We had got in a slight argument. He looked into my eyes and said "You are the reason I'm failing." That was the moment I was done, I was done before I even knew I was done.

I got invited to a party at HER house and I accepted. You guys recently went on a break because she cheated on you. It was the first time I got drunk. I threw up Coors light all over the backyard but no one knew. I somehow ended up alone with you in the living room. We sat down on the couch. You put your arm around me and asked "Why don't we hang out more?"

"Because I like you."

A friend interrupted our conversation.

"She wants to talk to you."

You looked at me and said "I'll be right back."

The craziest thing happened, I wish I was lying. Her roommate chased the rest of the party goers out of the house with a knife. Maybe it was fate saying this wasn't a good idea? We both ignored it.

You broke it off with her that night and asked for my number the next day.

Ice skating around the holidays in Union Square & intimate friend settings. It was a nice week with you until I decided I should break up with my boyfriend.

I couldn't and I wouldn't.

You got back with her. I was upset but honestly what did I expect?

FAST FORWARD

A long period of not talking, drag show, a text saying fuck it I'm over it, a kiss shared between us on her birthday, a movie with Aaron, Bi-rite, the winter BBQ, Kennedy's, unanswered texts and phone calls, your going away party, your elopement, friendsgiving, your wedding, my breakup, and your separation.

Years later I see a notification on my phone (Message from YOU)

My hearts begins to race. The blood sinks to my feet, but my soul floats. My palms begins to sweat.
Nothing has changed from since I walked up those stairs.

I can't.
Why?
No.
Oh God please!
Fate or a test?

Random Thoughts

My life always take weird surprising turns.

Have you ever disliked someone but at the same time was like oh I would let them spit in my mouth and slap me around? Well I have.

I've been going to the library and reading a lot more often. Im so proud of myself. I'm also kinda in love with one of the librarians. 

Sometimes you just have to cut people out of your life no matter how hard it is.

There's a supervisor position that opened at my work and there a few eligible candidates and I'm one of them.  I applied and honestly even if I got it I would quit shortly after my Nashville trip.

I've like that I've actually been more serious about things I want to do and I'm getting things done!

Although I do need to give myself more credit, I do need to be more fearless and stop being afraid of vulnerability!

Visceral Attraction

I'm a simple person, for the most part. I either see a person instantly and am attracted to them and know I want to have sex with them, maybe more (usually never) or I become friends with a guy and grow somewhat of an romantic attraction leading to something more than friends.

I never really felt instant spark you hear from people talking about their significant others or let's be cliche the movies. Except twice. The first has faded into some twisted fantasy of what if's, a road I don't like to revisit.

So let's don't. This is fresh, this is new. It was you.

I step outside feeling the rush of heat hit my body. But the beauty took me over, different colored tulips, the smell of english lavender, and the endless variety of roses. I took over for my older coworker hoping to stay there but I knew eventually I would have to go back and smell dirty contractors, freshly cut lumber, rotting plants, and paint.

I got lost out in garden. It was the only place where the customers didn't seem to hate their life and when I didn't hate my job. I have been there for over a year and it never got old to me. I was looking at the new things Color Spot had brought: azaleas, zonal geraniums, pansies, and bacopa. But I saw you. You had your back turned to me, a mystery I had to solve. So I burned a hole through your back and you turned around.

I saw your face and I will never properly explain how I felt. I just felt instantly and hard. Sensations that I felt at my fingertips, that made bile rise up in my throat. You made eye contact with me and I quickly looked away. It didn't help you came up to me. You took the glove off your right hand and wiped the sweat off on your thigh. You held your hand out to me and I took it, still feeling little beads of sweat. I barely remember the conversation other than I didn't know what quite to say and when you walked away my cheeks were painted pink.

Not knowing how to take my rush of emotions, not knowing if I should acknowledge them at all. Fear still running rampant, now more than ever.

What is settling?

Just a few days ago, a dear friend came to visit me. We talked about a lot since we hadn't seen each other in two months but one conversation in particular has lingered in my mind.

I have been single for a year. In all honest, I've enjoyed it. I really haven't want to date anyone because I figured a lot about myself, I held back of myself a lot in my old relationship, maybe that's why it was so unhealthy? Recently I have a little change in heart though. I feel like a relationship would be a little nice addition. I still have a lot of growing to do before I can take it seriously (I have severe intimate issues physical and emotional)

But it's brings me back to the conversation I had with my friend. Are my standards too high or am I'm not willing to settle?

Let me explain.

Valentine's Day 2016: I'm sitting on my couch with my two dogs lazily watching youtube videos before work. I hear my doorbell but just ignore it. It only rang once so I found it kinda odd. I opened the front door to see a bowl of primroses, red roses and baby breath arrangement, a cactus, a bouquet of yellow roses, and a dog toy. The bouquet was for my mother. It was a very nice gesture that got to me, and not much does. It was from a guy who's liked me for quite awhile.

This guy I get along with him very well. I can be completely myself around him which is honestly rare. My main issue with him is he's young in age and demeanor. My number one rule is if you can't sit at a bar than you can't sit with me. Bar culture not to be dramatic but I'm going to be: the root of my being. He graduated high school a year ago and I feel like he hasn't truly grasped life in a sense like I have. I feel that sounds condescending but he doesn't have much experience in many things. He has no sense of adventure and takes no risk. I'm a wild child and like to take risk for the fun of it. I'm also not very attracted to him. Am I being vain? Do I need a person to keep me center? Are my standards just too high?

When do you look at yourself and say I'm asking for too much? I just know before I did settle and I
 was broken into pieces, that I barely put back together. But love, relationships are all about risk in your emotions. A risk I'm too scared to take again, but I have too. I claim not to be a romantic but love, romance is one of the only things I want in this life. I feel like Ethan Hawke's character in Before Sunrise. A romantic painted as a cynic. I'm glad at least I realize these things. How I'm going to overcome my fear of the possibility of being hurt again or a person knowing me in and out? I don't know yet. I just have to believe in myself. I've came so far.

I believe.
I believe.
I believe.

Shoot your shot 2016

I told myself next time I saw my crush/infatuation I was going to ask for his number. I saw him and I bitched out. Why am I shy around guys I actually like? Also what if he has a girlfriend? then I look hella stupid. Also I don't want to ask hey do you have a girlfriend flat out because that's weird and my intentions are just out there. I need to be a bit more ballsy though. I don't know how guys do it. I mean I've asked a guy out and I've been rejected but you know it's always hard it never gets easier. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately and last night I was listening to this one by Strangers and how people tend to like the idea of you and not really you. I do this a lot. The last guy I dated I REALLY liked him for reasons I still don't understand. When I started to go out with him, not so much. But isn't that the point of dating? First is attraction then comes everything else? Fuck I feel like I never will get this dating thing right.