Mood: Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too by Say Anything

Okay like my life has been so fucking weird. I've really been trying to ignore everyone and life has been giving me the middle finger and saying nope. 

My mom finally started talking to me again which is nice. It takes some stress away. 

So I was talking to a guy for a few months and I started ignoring him. Classic Hannah! Mostly because I was all fucked up from fucking my ex boyfriend and also something weird happened with one of my friends and left me extremely butt hurt. Another reason for it is he was extremely infatuated with me and at first it was cool but it became off putting. He created this ideal of who I was and he really didn't try and get to know me at all. Everytime we talked it was always about him or what we would do when we saw each other again. He envisions that one night we spent in Nashville all the time and kept that perfect image of me. I'm a fucked up complex person with many different layers not Natalie Portman in Garden State you feel?

I really have to say this but shout out to the cute boy who let me go ahead of him in line.

But like I hate boys also.

I met a guy at a club awhile ago like two or three months ago. He was extremely infatuated and it was bad because you know at least with this boy I met in Nashville we were intimate and we fucked you know? This one I didn't even dance with, didn't kiss him, I didn't do shit with him but talked and even when I talked to him I told him I wasn't what he wanted. I happened to see him again and it was creepy my dude. He was staring at me in the dance floor. Introduced himself to my friend as my boyfriend. He was harassing me saying why did he have to keep chasing me and if I danced with another guy he was going to kill him. Yikes!

I also met a guy at a club about a month or so and it was a bad night because I was super emotional about fucking my ex. Drinking and emotions aren't a good mix. I was dancing and talking with him that night but I didn't get his number because I just ended up leaving abrubtly. I went shopping and ended up going to a resturant to get a beer. He happened to come in and we talked for a little bit. Got a little intense. So he's married but in a middle of a divorce. He doesn't want to get divorced but he cheated on his wife four times like fuck dude! But somehow we laid out how we can basically be fuck buddies in a matter of an hour and like what the fuck? I haven't texted him back though so ya know how that shit goes.

I love it when guys are super honest with me and the typically are. But I mean damn. I can't judge because I have been unfaithful and at this point I don't believe in monogomy. I like the idea and concept but I don't feel like it's not real or substantial at least for me.

Okay and for the grand finale of my fucked up love life: my coworker. So to be completely honest I do like him in a weird way I can't explain. I know for sure I'm sexually attracted to him there's no doubt about it but I like his company as well even though there's a lot of things that bother me about him. I would say I'm a pretty extreme liberal who is passionate about social issues. I hate the term politically correct but I will use it to explain it. He's not very politically correct at all and I haven't said anything because it's the beginning phases but it bothers me. I think he may be a bit homophobic which honestly is a big deal to me. I'm also super into music and movies and I can tell he really isn't. He's kinda broey. You know drinks protein shakes and comments about masculinity when it is so unnecessary. But he's really sweet and weird. He's always singing popular songs that comes on in bars. He's not an asshole to bartenders which is a huge plus because there's too many guys out there who are just assholes to waitstaff and that's a deal breaker for me. He opened up to me big time about his family dynamics and his time in the military and the way he deals with his emotions and its explained a lot. It's weird because like everyone else in this world before you really get to know a person you envision who they are, you prejudge them. He's a lot different that I imagined from my first impression or even the first time I hung out with him. At first I really didn't like him but I wanted to get laid but the more and more I talked to him it was different. Now when he looks into my eyes I want to fucking die or more like melt to the floor. I was all over him at my favorite bar which is weird because I'm not intimate or a fan of PDA. He kissed me in public which was weird. We both kinda discussed it with our mutual friends and both said we didn't want anything serious and I still stand by the statement because I got goals that a relationship would fuck up but I like him and he's real and he's close and I can feel him. The situation though is I know something bad happened that would affect him hugely. I'm not suppose to know but I'm pretty sure he knows that I know. I'm also pretty sure it would change whatever is happening between us. It kinda sucks because I am disappointed in him and also the situation at hand. All I can do is sit and see what happens next.

For now I'm just going to sit with my books and read and drink some tea because life is still good regardless. 

Random Thoughts

Okay so I went out with my coworker last Friday and I had a good time. We grabbed a few drinks and went to a view spot then ended up making out. I knew I was going to be weird at work because that's just how I am. He told a few of my coworkers about it and I don't know the whole thing makes me feel a little uneasy. I get jaded when I like someone and so I've been thinking a lot and there's a lot of things about him that bothers me but I think it's just me talking myself out of it. I always do that because I'm scared of commitment and I'm scared when guys like me and want to get to know me. Lol like leave me alone. I'm going to try and not be an asshole about this but ya know I suck.

Okay so I finished the new season of OITNB and that show is fucked up. It's entertaining, sure but a lot of it's not necessary to "teach a lesson." I don't want to give too much and spoil it but my main issue is they try to make you feel sympathetic to a fucking rapist and that's not okay considering how fucked up rape culture is. It's awful.

I went to dinner with my dad and his girlfriend on Father's Day. I hate to say it but I really like my Dad's girlfriend. She's super cool and we have a lot of the same beliefs. It makes me feel bad that I like her considering how they got together but I can't be bitter because of my mom. My mom is so bitter and holds grudges and I don't want to live like that. Although I'm still very mad at her and haven't talked to her in a week and I don't plan to  talk to her anytime soon.

My sleep schedule is so fucked up and I'm like dying at work because I have to wake up so early but I can't go to sleep until like 2-3.

All I've been eating is bread and peanut butter. I haven't had much of an appetite. I've been super stress lately about my love life and my future. 

I've been thinking about finally getting a license and get a RV or just buying a tiny home in Oregon or Tennessee and live like a nomad for the rest of my life.

O.J. Made In America

Okay this post is going to be different than most of my post but I just got finished watching all five parts of OJ's 30 for 30 and shit is my mind blown. Going into this I must state I always thought OJ did and this documentary didn't change it, however it did change my way how I viewed the case.

Let's start with how this case was a huge impact on the black community, which is not necessarily a big surprise why the black community supported him because this was after Rodney King and the LA riots. Not only that but I mean history of decades of police brutality and not seeing any justice at all. Even with this victory, things still haven't changed and honestly you seeing these issues reemerging.  (Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner and do I really have to go on?) That's what's most saddening because a lot of black people really thought they saw justice but no it was just a wealthy man that got away with murdering his wife and her friend and at the end of the day didn't give a shit about his community.

What I like most about this documentary is yes it's still bias but I feel like it had both sides of the fence played. They painted him to be a very charming guy and it's part of the reason he got where he was. What I didn't like about this documentary is how harsh they were on the defense and the jury.

The harsh reality that justice isn't justice in this world. I'm sorry if you truly believe that, I really do. It isn't about the victim especially in a high profile case. Both sides create a story what they believe happened, true or false. The whole point of defense is so the defendant doesn't get jail time. A lot of people who were interviewed said that the defense went too far and let a guilty man free. HELLO that's their fucking job! OJ was paying these men $50,000 a day so he could be free. Yes ethics comes into play but that's your client. If you think their guilty or not, it's your job to defend them.

I'm sorry though the district attorney was all fucked up, shit the investigation was all fucked up. Christopher Darden shouldn't had OJ try on the glove. The crime scene investigators should of changed their gloves and not pick shit up with their bare hands. The guy who collected a blood sample from OJ shouldn't have brought back the sample to the crime scene. LIKE?

As a juror you are not suppose to convict a person unless without unreasonable doubt they committed the crime. I think the defense sufficiently created reasonable doubt and the district attorney didn't talk much about how OJ didn't have an alibi for the time of the murder. They just let the defense attorney chew them up and spit them out.

Also the whole race card thing although is relevant to the case is somewhat fucking bologna. The job of the defense was to create a narrative where there is reasonable doubt that OJ killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. I'm sorry there is nothing in the documentary convincing to me that Mark Fuhrman isn't a racist. Do I believe he planted the glove? Absolutely not. Do I think his views on black people makes his of being a capable crooked detective? Yes.

I'm done with my rant but honestly this documentary is so good and I highly recommend it.

Peace in Suburbia

Went on a little hike today and it was relaxing. I don't suggest going on a hike after drinking a bottle of wine the night before. Solitude is a good thing my friends. I forget that sometimes.

Drunk Thoughts

I recently watched Zootopia and damn! I don't like animation, it's never appealed to me but everyone had such good reviews that related to things I cared about. (race relations) It executes it so well. Although I feel like children will understand the symbolism behind the film, I feel children have a better grasp on those things than adults, it's still important. Racism in America is usually only viewed on a dictionary based level and not sociological which is fairly problematic. I could go on but I just want to say Zootopia is genius.

I'm wine drunk and been listening to all my favorite music. So oddly growing up one of my favorite pop stars was Mandy Moore and I feel like it's weird because I love Dawes. Taylor Goldsmith is one luck son of a bitch.

On Dawes, saying I hope all your favorite bands stay together is one of the romantic things ever.

I had my first Charlie horse ever today and that shit hurts.

I miss Nashville so much. I just really hate California at this moment.

So many books, so little time.

I like to have patience and my patience has gone a long time but I don't know how much I can take anymore.

I just want to be a roadie. Just pay me in beer and peanut butter. I'm not that cool though.

Random thoughts

I'm going to hang out with my coworker I have a crush on Friday. Kill me.

I got into a very bad argument with my mom yesterday. It has taken me a long time to get where I am. To feel confident in myself and be able to go for what I want, to not be so angry all the time. I love my mom and although I said some things I may not wanted to, it really could of been worse. I'm not sorry though and I meant what I said. I'm going to keep my distance for awhile because knowing her she won't say sorry and she's extremely emotionally abusive. I'm not going to be her human punching bag.

With that being said, this whole incident makes me want to go on my excursion sooner. I'm tired of everything and everyone. I'm happy but I don't know this situation just wants to push more for myself.

Dream vacation is Iceland right now. Okay but I was reading something yesterday about yeah it's great to go traveling to other countries but we usually don't appreciate what's around us. He explained he lived in all the major cities in the USA but not until he started biking around and riding around in his electric car did he feel like he saw the US and what it had to offer. I need to go all over the US my friends. I have had wanderlust for so long, mostly for other countries but I went for a long bike ride and hike yesterday. I have lived in this little town most of my life and I saw things I never did before. It's just wild what you take for granted you know? Not saying I'm not going to go out of the country because that's the plan.

Random Thoughts

I like being self aware and being honest with myself. It's nice and it isn't exhausting. I'm still pretty bad because I'm ignoring people and it's pretty selfish. It's a quality I need to change and deal with. I don't like confrontation but being honest is the best thing to do.

I went out the other night with a few coworkers. I have had this weird crush on one of my coworkers for awhile and I told him that night. The weird thing is he said he had one too. Like I know I'm not going to see him for a few days and I don't want to even deal with it lmfao.

I had a really long conversation with my friend about this election and this Hilary vs Trump. They both scare me and I have heard a lot of arguments about Hilary. being not a lesser of two evils but a different kind of evil. I think for awhile I believed that. I'm also a crazy liberal who doesn't believe in war or intervention in other countries even for "good" causes. Also I have more of intersectional feminist type view and I have to be honest I do look down on other feminist who don't have the same views (including men issues, race, and trans issues) I like talking to him though because I'm extreme left and he shows me the importance of balance and why she is the lesser of two evils (not a blantant racist and abortion stance)

Balance is a good thing to have and I sometimes forget it.

I'm excited about Portland and I need to plan more things other than just going like I did in Nashville. Although not planning anything for Nashville went suprising well. I miss Nashville a lot.

I complain that I hate my coworkers a lot but they look after me. My HR manager sent me a vegan recipe through work email. My supervisor is sending me some info backpacking as a vegan. They just piss me off at work.

Love is hell of a drug and what is it exactly? Once you fall out of love where does it go? Can you love the same twice?

Davis, Ca

Picket white fences, navy blue doors

Ivy crawling weaving into a trellis 

Perfectly trimmed hedges

Summer heat

Warm cinnamon apple pie

Children playing in the streets

American Dream 

Love

That is 

In and out

Comes and goes

Perfect before you open the door

This isn't what I want

But I still miss you

Things in my sketchbook

What are best friends for?

I hopped out of my uber and still can't get out of my head that my older uber driver said lit. I hadn't seen you in a few weeks and I was a little nervous. I went to the bar next door and had a beer to prepare.

I walked into the hookah bar where you were having your show and the smell hit me right away. It reminded me of freshman year of college with roommates I hated. Orange peach ring, white gummy bear, and strawberry all at once, instant migraine. I see you though and it was different. I always felt reluctant to say I want you but I saw you and I wanted you. You were already drunk holding a hookah hose. You smiled and gave me an awkward hug. Your girlfriend was there, or whatever you want to call her. You hand me a Gatorade bottle filled with Malibu and a Mexican Coke. I was going to need it.

A few beers and a few Irish car bombs.

I was able to ignore it even with your dumb comments about keeping what we did a secret or that she means nothing to you (a lie you keep telling yourself).

Two weeks later lying in my bed, reading a book, I get a call from you. Debating whether to answer it, I pick up anyway. 

"I'm done with her. I never want to talk to her again. I'm going to go after you know just kidding, we are BFFS." 

There was more but it was the only thing you said that stuck like glue. It pierced my heart. It filled the void. 

I went back to my book knowing it would only last for a day until you would be back with her.

I'm sorry, when will I be different.

Your words were

As smooth as wine.

Drunk, no restraints

I was letting

You take pieces of away

Infatuated by the image of

Beaches, pina coladas 

Turbulent love

A home far away from California 

Now sober

Realizing 

Your engulfment 

Is not what I needed

Or wanted

I'm sorry

I couldn't tell you.

Random thoughts/mostly gym addition

I got dressed coded at work yesterday and it's ridiculous because I'm the only one who ever gets talk to when I do the same shit as everyone else. I hope they fire me one day so I can sue them for blantant discrimination.

Today is one of those days I forgot my headphones and the gym for some reason isn't playing music. Dramatic me wants to die.

I was overhearing a conversation with these two guys. They were both older. One was talking about how he found a woman and how she's some photographer and she's in Nepal. He doesn't know her last name and he hasn't FaceTime her. She delelted her Facebook profile shortly too. I wanted to say it sounds like a scam but I guess I would be caught being nosey.

Why when there is a room full of equitment that is empty, guys come next to me and use the equitment right next to me. I hate everyone who does this.

This Friday I'm buying a ticket to Portland for next month. I've always wanted to go and I put it off for too long.

I voted today and I hope everyone who can did too. I don't understand why people wouldn't. It makes me really sad honestly. 

I hate Hilary Clinton.

I'm going celibate like for sure. Fuck every boy ever lmfao.

Random thoughts

So I saw Joyce Manor and it was the greatest time. I went by myself and it was still great. I enjoy solitude more than ever.

Man let me tell you I'm so done with boys. I don't know how many times I've said this but they suck for real. I'm also the worse.

I haven't been feeling empty like usually. It's overwhelming but I'm happy. Although as much as I love the void, filling it is temporarily or just not feeling nothing gets so boring sometimes.

Ghost from my past are creeping and I don't know what to do.

I'm watching the Truman show and it's fucking me up my dude. It's truly how I feel about life. Like my coworker was telling me I need to finish college and I wanted to politely tell him to fucking shove his education politics up his fucking ass because it's not for me and I don't want it. Yeah maybe I'll grow up and "wake up" but no I'm not living my life for anyone else but myself now.

I don't know what's this sudden change but I'm feeling a little crazy but for once I'm still content with myself and that is rare my friends.

I just want to read books, save a little money for my big adventure I have planned, and hang out with my real friends.

Random Thoughts

So I haven't been going to the gym lately because I really needed to take a break because my whole body hurt and to be entirely honest I didn't fully rest because I was still biking everyday(commuting) but I'm back on the wagon!

Yesterday I ran three miles without stopping and I'm so proud of myself. I'm finally learning willpower.

Okay so I saw this guy at the gym and he was super attractive, that besides the point. He had super muscular legs and that's super rare (like even his calves!) and I was jealous. Fitness goals my friends is to have thighs so strong I can kill a man with them.

Why do strangers think it's okay to touch my hair without asking me like I'm some fucking free petting zoo.

I always feel super conflicted but I think I'm in love. I think I'm actually okay with it too. I haven't freaked out about it lately.

I have been wearing my Havana twist for quite awhile but I think I'm going to 100% natural hair so I can feel comfortable with it again.

I'm going to see Joyce Manor today and I'm super stocked! It's going to be kind of a messy situation but I'm going still.

I see my neighbor everywhere and I feel like I should introduce myself but people don't do that anymore. At least not in Southern California or at least not where I'm from.