Hey I can't sleep and it's really a fucking inconvenience

I've already masturbated twice, but I mean it's been a good while anyway.

Why do I keep agreeing to going in on my days off?

I say fuck too much.

I had kind of a weird interaction with a coworker and I don't know how to deal with it lol. 

I told my therapist I had trouble sleeping and she tells me to do these breathing exercises. I never do them.

My therapist told me she quit and she's training a new person. I'm kinda sad about it. 

I was talking to my cousins daughter asking what she wants to be when she grows up and what she does on her fee time. She replied "I don't really know I just feel really lost with myself." Like damn girl you are only eleven but tell me about it!!!

I'm kinda happy with myself because I've kept up with my journaling!

I want to be in a place where no one knows me for a little bit. I haven't wanted to be so alone in awhile.

I'm in love with telltale games. I just bought the whole collection.

Anyway I think I'm going to try those breathing except use because I do have to be awake in a few hours. 

I think my septum piercing is infected//I miss you

I changed my septum horseshoe piercing into a fancy septum clicker. It has opal and cubic zirconia jewels. I changed it a little too soon. It was a regular work day and I went into the bathroom. I pushed my nose up and the pressure stinged. Pus starts to pour out. I wasn't amused but it reminded me a time of you. Young fools in love.

I was a freshman in college. I've always wanted my septum pierced but that was going to be a no go with my parents. Here was my chance! I went with my roommates that hated me but hey I got the support. You came to visit a week later. You still had a month until you moved to Davis. When you were about to leave I sat on top of you and was wearing my favorite jeans and a SFSU sweater. Underneath I had a sheer body suit I wore just for you. Ronnie and Conor were waiting outside for you. It was a long way back home. I still got nervous before I kissed you. I tried not to tremble. I looked into your eyes, I was scared of a lot. I was on my own, barely any money, a big city, and no friends. You grabbed my face towards yours and kissed me gently. I scrunched my face in pain. It was my septum piercing. It was still tender to touch. He said with much concern "Are you okay?" I smiled and said "Yeah I'm okay." 

Random Thoughts

My friends came to visit a few days ago and it's the most fun I have had for awhile. 

It's surprising how many strangers are willing to let you take a photo of them.

My jaw was really sore yesterday and then I remembered.

Zumiez is actually a super rad company. I'm just happy they sent me some free Sketchy Tank things just because.

I'm in love with my Instax camera.

I got a guest complaint yesterday. The thing is I was being a little condescending but my manager didn't even care enough to talk to me about it.

My ex boyfriend called me super drunk  the other day. I don't like it but I really miss him. I hate it actually. I won't even give anyone else a chance because of it. How long does it fucking take to really get over your first love?

Just some things this month

About Last Night/Deja Vu/Random Thoughts

So I love when a guy who has had a crush on me for awhile but I told his ass twice I didn't like him and I don't want a relationship decides to talk shit on me on the Internet. Like I'm a thot cause I never even let you hug me and I don't want to talk to your crazy ass that makes up lies to do some reverse psychology shit. Okay but are you mad or naw? SWERVE!

I went out last night and it was fucking weird. I'm going to start with this second part.

I went to a weird restaurant/club with my coworkers last night. I've been there before, it was close to Halloween the first time I went there. I met this guy at the bar around Halloween time and we talked for a good while and I danced with him. He was a lame so I just walked away. Then this girl pounced on him. So last night he was there and that girl who pounced on him was there too. Weird right? But another girl was all over him like It was fucking bad. But he did manage to get away from her and he came up and hugged me and said its nice seeing you again. Next thing you know that girl all over him pushes me away from him. Girl you can have him!

During Halloween time I went to the bathroom and I wasn't paying attention before I left a girl said hey there is toliet paper on your shoe. The same exact thing happened last night.

They had the same exact bartenders and body guards that night. I guess that isn't that weird but you think they would mix it up ya know?

Dude I got fucking game. I just don't want it. I really wish boys would leave me the hell alone except that vendor from  work but you know how that shit go.

Earlier in the night I went to the casino. Casinos are fucking awful and I'll never understand the thrill.

There was a guy at the casino with crazy nice style and that never happens in the desert and if you read my blog there is a post where I explain guys and style, it means a lot. He was staring at me and I was trying so hard not to make eye contact. I'm trying to be good.

I had a Oreo churro. It was interesting.

I love my coworkers they are fucking great honestly.

I don't know how I survived work today honestly.

There's this older man that works with me and he's so cool to me. At first I never talked to him but one time he saw me pour about ten sugars in a coffee. (I really hate coffee but I needed it that day) He made fun of me for it. But when we really started talking I happened to bring a Canon AE-1 to work one day. He saw it and we had this huge conversation about photography. Then he started telling me a bunch of different stories and he's quite an interesting fellow. He married his high school sweetheart at 18 and been married ever since. They been having problems lately and he got a position in Oregon and that's where all their family lives. She told him she would rather get a divorce then move with him. I don't know the full story but it's sad. Today was his last day and I'm really going to miss him.

Random Thoughts

I really dislike 98% of my family right now. I'm questioning why I even moved out of San Francisco in the first place. That's a bit dramatic but it's bad.

If you ever lie to me, I will find out and I won't forgive you.

My brother bought me Chapstick. He's a real one honestly. 

I'm starting to develop a little crush on this vendor at my work. I've always thought he was cute but lately we've been exchanging words more than hello and how are you. He's interesting. The past few crushes I have had were boring and lacked passion. He doesn't. There's something a little off about him so ya know I'm keeping my distance.

My friends are coming to visit next week and I'm so happy I could cry.

I really need to go on a mini vaca because I feel like I'm going to go fucking insane.

Lately I've been thinking about moving to Vegas. Ever since Halloween I've been bedazzling bras and underwear. I want to work a normal job and do burlesque on the side. I think it would be nice.

I've been watching a lot of burlesque videos on YouTube lately.

I'm such an idealist. It's a part of me I like and I hope it never goes away. I just need more confidence in myself. How does one gain more confidence in oneself?

About last night

I remember kissing a boy. Don't know his name though hahaha. After I kissed him I just walked away too.

Two of my coworkers invited me out last night and I thought it was odd but I had a lot of fun.

Well tequilla my dude. It's going to be the end of me.

My coworker got a married woman's number. Shake my damn head.

Whenever I get drunk I love taking nudes. It's my favorite drunk pass time.

This bartender I dated before I moved to Southern California randomly texted me. I actually did like him so I texted him back. It's just weird because he was trying to fuck my friend after I left and I haven't talk to him in awhile.

I didn't get anyone's number I'm so proud of myself.

I use to never get hangovers. I'm getting too old for this shit.

A Random Ass Story and Tidbit

The other night I was talking to some guy because I saw his cauliflower ear and it's always a dead give away (you are a wrestler or you do jiu jistu). I started up a little convo and what not and he mentioned the gym he did jiu jistu at. A long time ago my cousin's ex boyfriend had a friend who trained at that gym and he's been randomly in my mind ever since. I had a craving for a frappuccino so I took my dog on a walk to a Starbucks that's close to me. As soon as I walk in its him! He's just sitting there on his computer. It was kinda weird. I was going to say something because we did make eye contact but I didn't think it was worth it. 

Anyway a few months ago I had a one night stand, well kinda. I was on a mini vacation and when it was time to go back home he texted me saying he hoped I made it home okay. He also listened to me about my friends drama and seem concerned. We also had sex more than one night so yeah. I didn't text him back though because I'm a horrible person who loves attention and when I get my fix I get over it. He was really sweet and kinda looked like Matt Mcgory. Anyway he texted me randomly today, still didn't text back. It's very eerie. My life right now is very much like the girl Drake sings about in Hotline Bling.

Sunday Night Football.

Odell Beckham Jr. is my husband.

Lol to the Giants choking though, good game though. 

It's so fucking sad that Jarryd Hayne gets cuts from the 49ers and then Reggie Bush tears his ACL. 

I really thought Jarryd Hayne was going to be a star though with his highlights in preseason.

Although he is a disappointment, Colin Kaepernick is my husband.

There was so many questionable calls in the Cowboys vs Seahawks game, like what were the refs thinking?

I hope Ricardo Lockette is okay.

The Cowboys really needs Romo because Matt Cassel isn't cutting it.

Why is the media trying to make Dez Bryant look like a bad guy? smh! I know everyone was worried about Lockette and I don't believe for one second he said that's what he gets.

This isn't football related but who really is a Mets fan? Like I don't even think New Yorkers are Mets fans.

Random Thoughts

I went to a house party yesterday and at first it was awkward but after awhile it got really fun.

I'm a reigning beer pong champion!

I love my coworkers honestly.

I keep throwing up when I drink. It's not even from drinking too much it's just a weird body reaction I choose to ignore.

I wish I stayed at the party for a bit longer because there was a boy I thought was cute but I got a free ride home and I don't want my coworkers to know I'm a slag.

I'm just going to stay in today. My whole body is sore for reasons only God knows.

Anyway Happy Halloween everyone!

 

About Last Night.

Well tequilla is fucking awful and I don't know why I did this to myself.

I really didn't think guys actually sent the eggplant emoji. Boy was I wrong.

I really didn't get that drunk last night, I just didn't eat that much and like I said well tequilla is awful. I needed to throw up a little so I grabbed a cup and covered my mouth and threw up in a cup in the middle of the dance floor. Lmfao no one noticed or at least I don't think.

I love guys who do MMA.

Spiked litas are so hard to go low in lmfao. I fell down once but I would of fell down a lot more if I wasn't surrounded by real ones. 

Dude I'm really fucking crazy and I don't know where it came from. I use to be really shy and awkward (still am depending on the setting)

I'm glad I don't wear make-up because I would be really mad at myself right now.

I ran into a fair amount of people I knew from high school, only one talked to me thankfully (and I actually like her).

I had a really long and interesting conversation with my cousin.

I love girls who are here for other girls. I met a lot of girls who oddly looked out for me, that's fucking awesome.

Last night I was talking to some guy and he told me I looked like a girl who was very intelligent but wild. Very true but I'm still not going to give you my number and even the guys I did give my number to I'm not going to text back.

Random thoughts

It's amazing the shit you can find on social media with little to no info.

I got stung by a bee for the first time today. It was the weirdest pain I've ever felt.

The last few days the song "If You Leave Me Now." By Chicago has been following me. Everywhere I go it's been playing.

I still don't have solid plans for Halloween but I don't think I actually want to do anything.

I told one of my coworkers (that likes me) that I fucked another coworker. The story has more depth but I don't want to get into it. His response was "wow you just fuck every white guy you see." I'm appalled. Why do I still talk to him? Lmfao.

It was my ex-boyfriend's birthday the other day and I talked with him for awhile. It was weird because we started talking about old memories. I still feel weird about it.

The same coworker that had that awful response keeps asking for nudes. Why do I really still talk to him?

I wish I felt more comfortable going to a bar alone. I kinda want it to be my own coffee show where I go to write and draw but when I do go to a bar alone people are always compelled to speak to me and I don't want to be rude but I think I'm going to start.

I really want to spend more time on myself. Like take myself on date: strolls at night, going out to dinner, and going to the movies things like that.

Puzzle

Another conversation
Filled with
Passive aggression
Sadness 
Anger
I hang up
Thinking of
All the ways
I can be better
For you 
But
I’m just forcing
Pieces together
That don’t fit

Canada Dry

I haven’t eaten all day
I’m trying to drink
This ginger ale
Hoping to heal
But I still feel
Like throwing up 
All the things I 
Wished I had said
All the things I 
Wished I did differently
But the longer I lay here
I feel the scars rise under my skin
Scars I never knew about
Scars I ignored 
Sorry
I didn’t mean it
I care about you
I love you
Won’t work
Won’t heal
This damage of
Seconds, minutes
Days, weeks
Years 
You have caused

Candle

I step in 
Bare
Lighting the candle 
One more time
Trying to cleanse
The Abuse
Infidelity 
Jealously
Sorrow
Will it burn till the end
This time

I'm falling in love with you again and I'm scared

I never thought leaving you this time would be so hard. I came here with an empty heart and flashbacks of arguments we had and some things you had said.

When I first got here I kept my distance, I don’t think you noticed but I trembled at your touch.

I was hurting, I finally knew what you meant when you said you weren’t ready. It was probably the weed, maybe the alcohol, but I let you back in my arms, my heart, and my mind. I didn’t know it could be that fast.

I told you my insecurities, my plans for the future, my fears, and hey when we fucked I let you take me slow, you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me. I don’t remember the last time I let anything like this happen.

You held me while I cried to Al Green. You tried to kiss every inch of me trying to heal every scar that I had, but I wasn’t in pain anymore. I just couldn’t believe it

Halloween

I'm I'm really into costumes I have made some random one for a few occasions like my birthday and Outside Lands 

So for the past few days I have been sitting down and not getting up working on my Halloween costume. I wanted to be Natalie Portman in Closer 

I went with a different color scheme because apparently you can't find a light purple lace bra for the cheap at this time. This is how it came out.

I do like how it came out but I'm probably not going out in it lol. I have no problem going out like this but the places I'm going out to it wouldn't work out (coworker party and a weird restaurant nightclub) but it will go into my costume archive.

Random Thoughts

I want to work for Buzzfeed but for reasons I only see on Youtube.

I went to the therapist today and it was cool. I'm not much of a talker but I felt like I could trust her. It made me feel better talking to her about all the shit going on in my life.

I've been only listening to Travis $cott, Beach House, and Turnover. It's really such an odd combo.

Why the fuck did I say I would work on my vacation and not only that but eight hour shifts. FUCK ME.

I really want a glass of wine. (*bottle)

I decided to finally follow my family on my Instagram. No more posting sexual suggestive photos. Damn my goal of becoming an Instagram baddie is over!

One of my uber drivers today was so fucking mean to me. I asked him to take a specific way because I know it's faster and I don't like going on the freeway. He just shrugged at me and said no this is better. I still gave him five stars but I'm high key pissed about it.

I'm thinking about seeing Joyce Manor by myself on Halloween. (*Forever Pop Punk Scene Queen)

I'm also thinking about moving back to San Francisco next year. I miss the bay so much but I just don't know if it's the best decision because I could just be going backwards.

Thinking about buying a Tom Ford's lipstick. It's $52 but hey for Drake? (I rarely ever wear make-up)

I really want to make-out with a cute boy.

I really miss my friends in the bay and need more in Southern California. I really want friends that are artistic you feel. My ideal friend is we would go to the bar with journals and canvas just creating for hours and having a few cocktails, take Polaroids of each other, and road trips!!! I'm such an idealist.

Why do people make their Instagram private? Lol like I understand if you post things that are inappropriate but I highly doubt you posting your morning coffee is going to create a online stalker.

Vertigo

Out dancing with friends
On Polk street
Shot of Jameson 
Glasses of champagne 
But
I couldn’t stop thinking 
About
Your hard eyes
Your candy flavored tongue
Your electrifying touch
I called you
All you said was hello
I began to purge 
Harrowing truths
I should of known then

Sempiternal

You wrapped around me
like vines around a tree
I trembled
Heart fluttered like
Butterflies
You placed your lips
on mine
Ecstasy
Bewildered 
Sorrow 
Your hands 
Rough like leather
grabbed my face
eyes made of cinnamon 
filled with sincerity 
Say It
My mouth opened 
as wide as a cave 
nothing but
The sound of silence
came out
I’m sorry 
I’m so sorry

Not Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl

I invited you to hangout
And it was fun
But you got weird
I told you 
I’m not emotional available 
But you are fun 
You make me laugh 
You make me smile
You got cocky
You freaked me out
What the fuck are we doing 
Don’t ask what we are
I told you
I told you where I was at
I told you 
Leave me alone
Leave me the fuck alone
I don’t want to be your Pennie Lane
I don’t want to be your muse 
I just want to be that shy girl you once 
Knew

Random Thoughts

So I dated this guy for a short time. He was really sweet and everything but I couldn't do it for numerous reasons. It's not like I ever said hey I don't want to date you anymore I just stop talking to him and responding to texts and calls. I'm really fucking awful.  Anyway it's been almost two months since we talked and I just got a text from him. The text was in code but he basically said hey tell me if you ever want to have sex again. I'm a little appalled. Today I was literally thinking man I should try and get laid soon. The sex with him was really great, like the best I ever had but lol no man no. Is this karma universe?

I finally get to see a therapist tomorrow.

I went to physical therapy today and it was weird. It was more of an introduction than anything. They did some electric shots to my back.

I saw that attractive guy at the doctor's office in his outside clothes and my god.

I realize I'm in a very conflicting situation. I don't want any boys to talk to me but I want to get laid. Is this possible?

Why do most guys have horrible style? It's discomforting. I remember I went on a date with a guy and he was wearing light blue plaid shorts, a dark blue shirt, a mainly blue Bears hat (The Bears are who we thought they were!) and black Nikes with a blue swoosh. One time my ex boyfriend and friends went to Venice beach for the day and he was wearing a brown shirt with mainly red but multi colored lines plaid shorts. I was horrified. I saw this bartender and he is so beautiful. He has that Hitler youth haircut but it looked super good on him. He has a jawline that could cut fucking marble. His eyes is a nice honey brown and he is naturally super tan. I looked at his pants and shoes and it just made me sad. I couldn't hate too much because he was at work and when I served I didn't use my nice clothes for obvious reasons but why didn't this fool have non-slips on? Anyway style is important to me, it's not a deal breaker but damn.

I hate boys but I can't live without them. They are my biggest weakness.

The Uber Ride Of My Life.

I was walking around after my doctor's appointment yesterday because there's a lot of stores and restaurants around. I was about to call an uber to go home and this guy calls me over from his car. Me being stupid actually went over. He then goes on to tell me I'm  beautiful and blah blah blah. He kept asking for my number which I kept declining. I immediately noticed he was an uber driver so I decided to go to my favorite bar. It was eleven o'clock and they just opened. I felt a lot of judging looks but I honestly didn't care. I got some bourbon mixed drink that they called 50 shades of bourbon (very cheeky). 

I stayed there for thirty minutes hoping to give him some time to get out of the area or get a different rider. When I called for an uber with my fucking luck it was the same guy trying to get my number. I thought about canceling the ride and trying again but I didn't feel like being that petty. 

I get in the car and he was so amazed saying that it was meant to be. He went on about it for a good three minutes. Then he asked why I didn't want to give him my number. I replied that I'm weird and just not good at dating. He kept asking me why and I had a hard time explaining so then he asked me if I was bipolar or took medication for a mental illness. When I told him no, he said then I don't see why you are weird (nice!!). He asked if I ever dated an older guy and I don't know why I didn't lie because it just gave him a little bit more confidence. He starts talking about himself more and more about how he use to be a principal and how he made a bad business decision but that he would be a millionaire by the time he was 50. He asked me about my ethnicity and race. I told him I'm half El Salvadorian and black. He goes on how he can see the Latina in me and that he was Mexican. He starts giving me a history lesson about how we have the same ancestors and we're probably distant cousins (I was getting hot and bothered). After that he goes on to give me a lecture about spirit and how it proved the existences of God (He knows the right way to my heart!) I finally reached home and since he didn't charge me I decided to give him my number.

Texts I have received: "Don't Forget My Lecture haaa."

"I'm going to say good morning and that's it."

So I think it's safe to say this short live romance isn't going to work out.

A Story told by Kandice and I.

The End.

Random thoughts

-I ate cheese this morning and I feel like I'm going to throw up. When will I learn? 

-At the doctor office again today. Either the guy checking my blood pressure hates me or hates his job I can't tell at this point.

-Is it too early to go to the bar?

-I can't stop thinking about that guy I saw get hit by a car yesterday. I really wish I told my uber driver to stop so I could help him. I feel really guilty about it.

-Yesterday at work I only accomplished some cleaning, dealing with only eight people, writing poems about having sex with my coworkers, doing some creative writing exercises, and drawing some cartoons. 

-What's up with every guy getting the hitler youth cut? 

-My coworkers invited me to a Halloween party on Saturday. I don't have a costume and I said I would for sure go but I don't know if I really want to go.

-Pro lifers in front of the doctor office making everyone's life a little better. (Sarcasm)

-My ex boyfriends cousin said hi to me today and I think she tried to have a small  conversation. Lol no. I kinda feel bad because she's  one of the few out of his family that made me feel comfortable.

-I was walking about to call an uber home and this guy stops me in his car and asked for my number. He happened to be an uber driver. THE BAR IT IS!

Never Sleep With Your Coworker Pt. 2

Months of desire for you

Fulfilled in one night

Feeling more empty than ever

It wasn't your fault 

I just couldn't breathe 

Never Sleep With A Coworker Pt. 1

Lust has always been my biggest drug

You were no exception 

Pretension and deception 

Overrode 

The comfort

I threw a little fit today

So I went to this facility I guess you can say that has many services including a chiropractor. I came 45 minutes early because the message on my phone said to come 30 minutes early. When I go in the receptionist said there was no need but I could wait and watch the movie (The Adams Family). About maybe twenty minutes later a guy walks in asking if he could go in for a physical. The receptionist says the doctor who usually does them called out sick but you can try tomorrow. He seem bummed or whatever and then she said you know what the doctor who comes in at 9 can do it for you. He said well doesn't he have patients to see and she said oh well he can see you inbetween patients. Tell me why this fucker gets called before me and I'm waiting forty minutes after my scheduled appointment? I went to a different receptionist and asked what was going on (petty but whatever) She tells me let me ask another guy and he flat out says oh the doctor is still doing that physical. I just flat out said I'm going to leave. The receptionist asked if I wanted to reschedule. I just told her no I'm just going to leave. She had a really shocked look on her face and I left. It was really stupid of me because I didn't have anything to do in the morning but I felt it was really disrespectful. I have had that appointment for two weeks. I ended calling the manager and rescheduling for Thursday because I understood I was being irrational but the manager tried to lie to me about why I was waiting so long and I wasn't having that. I feel kinda bad but at the same time I don't. 99% of the time I'm super passive but I felt they were wasting my time and I truly don't appreciate that. Also I had so many issues with this place already I'm getting sick of it. I swear one more issue!

Random Thoughts

-I'm at the doctor office right now. I'm going to see a chiropractor, not very excited.

-Before I got here I witnessed a skateboarder get hit by a car and it was traumatizing, very fucking traumatizing I think I'm about to lose it. 

-Doctors at this office always call in sick, it's weird and fishy. I'm pretty sure its a lie to reschedule. 

-I haven't remembered a dream in awhile.  The other night I had a dream that I went on a date with some tumblr famous person. We went to the movies and he brought in a small alcohol bottle that look like perfume. We bought tickets to watch Battle Royale. I ended up leaving before the movie started and going to an apartment that happened to be mine with two roommates I didn't know but in my dream I knew very well. One was a guy who had a fixie bike and a big mustache and my other roommate was some Asian girl.

-I really want to wait in Starbucks after my appointment and go to the bar. It's really never too early for me but at the same time I'm tired and want my dog.

-I hate that people still think I'm in high school and then rave about how I'm going to love it when I'm younger, like yeah probably but could you stop calling me dear or honey and have a little more respect for me.

-There's this guy who works at this doctor office and he's super attractive but every time I'm here I'm in a semi bad mood and my ex boyfriend's cousin works here too. I would never flirt with him or anything but ya know I feel like I don't have the option either way.

-One of the times I came here, I needed to get X-rays. The tech comes in the room and just stares at my boobs for awhile and asks "Do you have a bra under there?" It was kinda weird. I know I can't wear a bra when getting a X-Ray but did you really have to ask like that?

Falling in love again

Love has been my biggest muse, even before I fell in love. I use to imagine and write stories about how it felt to be touched, kissed, and feel such strong emotions you can't explain fully in words. It got easier when I actually fell in love. 

My boyfriend of four years and I broke up in Febuary. To be honest I fell out of love before we broke up. I was already writing poems of heartbreak and emotional abuse way before the split. The reason I stayed so long is comfort and familiarity. But then at least for me and him it gets so bad that those things don't matter anymore. 

I've been reading a lot things love related. I'm trying to go back to the time where I remember when love was good. I try to write about love but I can't it seems so foreign.

I have dated a few people after my ex. Some guys were really great, maybe I'm not ready to move on. Sometimes I think about my ex and sometimes I can remember the good times. It immediately gets flooded with bad memories. I don't think I can ever erase the memories, good or bad. I think that's the curse of your first love.

All I know is I have to take this time for myself. Falling in love is still important to me and it always will be but I need to take time to fall in love with myself because I never really got to.

Office Space

Today was my first day back at work since my medical leave and it was you know work. I forgot how exhausting it is to deal with people. I really wish I could have a job where I didn't have to deal with anyone but myself. That doesn't exist though. The perks of work though is I'm making money and I do have some really good coworkers (some I could do without). Also my work always decorates for holidays. So the break room is very Halloween and they even got a TV hooked up with movies playing all day. It's great I was watching Hocus Pocus on my lunch and that movie gets greater with age. "Just in case Jimmy Hendrix comes back, here's my number." (A1 Halloween pickup line)

Talking about coworkers, there's this guy who really likes me. He really sweet and he makes me laugh. I just can't do it. The hats I took a picture of, he bought me them just because. I don't know what to do about it. I talk to my friend about him all the time and she says to give him a chance and I can't. I'm a true lover at heart and I know my heart won't do it. Some of my reasons are selfish ("You are a virgin who can't drive") but I know the more important ones aren't (future, goals, and interest). I told him plenty of times I don't want a relationship and I'm very cold towards men. (All true) He thinks I don't know what I want so he just he keeps trying. What do you do in a situation like this? 

Anyway I'm highly disappointed Hocus Pocus isn't on Netflix, So I'm going to take my medication and try to finish as much of The Walking Dead Game as possible.

Teenage dream

Today was a little different. I had two doctor appointments, which one office ended up cancelling on me (my therapist). I woke up super early for my doctor to fill out some paperwork that took less than five minutes and a $20 co-pay. Don't you just love America's healthcare! I was kinda glad my therapist cancelled because I was exhausted but on other hand not so happy about it. I slept most of the day because my medication makes me really tired.

When I did wake up my brother convinced me to go to a high school football game with our dad. My brother has gotten me a lot more interested in sports so I decided hey why not. High school football games are intense and I never realized that. When I was in high school I did go to a few football games but I just hung out with my friends and never paid much attention to the actual game. It was a horrible game to be honest but it was nice to be with my family. Somethings that were appalling was the song Gold Digger came on and white people thought it was appropriate to say the n-word. LOL not okay. A lot of people don't have any notion of fucking manners at sporting events. It's great. I know I'm being very sarcastic but I did have a good time but just had some interesting observations.

Inktober

Sometimes I do illustrations. I did this in the spirit of Halloween. What color are alien's nipples suppose to be?

Break The Stigma

Not too long ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety depression. I was in a major accident about a month ago and lets just say it effected my life majorly. I didn't feel the same after. I didn't really want to talk to anyone, not my friends, not my family and not my coworkers. I saw myself getting angry very easily. I lost interest in my hobbies: painting, writing, and drawing. I panicked very often. I just wasn't myself anymore. When I knew I lost it was I started crying at work for no apparent reason and I decided to make the impulse decision to quit. Thankfully my work understood and I just went on a small leave. I got analysed by a psychologist and got diagnosed. My first day of therapy is tomorrow and I'm nervous. But really the whole point of this is mental disorders should be treated like any illness. It's irritating when people tell me I'm just having a bad day. It's more than that. If you haven't been through it, I know it's hard to understand. I struggle to get out of bed everyday. I struggle to interact. I wish I could be normal but I just feel hopeless most of the time. If anyone in your life had a mental illness be supportive and try to be understanding. It's a really difficult struggle and they need your love and support.

My love hate for romantic comedies.

I have been on medical leave for almost two weeks. I'm usually an active person and also a workaholic. It's been strange trying to relax. Relaxing includes a lot of Netflix. At first I caught up on all of How To Get Away With Murder and then finished the series Narcos (Which is amazing). I somehow fell into watching romantic comedies. I have a love hate for them because for one I'm really not a romantic and two there often a little too cheesy for me. There is one movie that almost made me cry, Comet. It's a journey through a couples relationship: the meeting, during, a break up, reuniting, huge fight leading to the final break, and reuniting after someone has moved on. The way the story is told is interesting because it goes back and forth and has many stylistic shots. I think I really connected to it because it really reminded me of my last relationship. I have been thinking about it a lot because my ex and I have been talking more often. It makes me feel strange. It brings a lot of different memories, bad and good. I feel like I'm in a dream sometimes like our relationship never happened but sometimes differentiating dreams and reality is difficult. I'm talking crazy but if you ever been in a failed relationship and watch the movie you will understand more. Also I never realized Justin Long is a handsome man.

With all these weird feelings, I have to come back to Earth, so I think of the ending scene of The Graduate. (Maybe I'm too pessimistic?)

Online Journal and Today

My coworker and I have been talking about getting our septum pierced for a long time, months actually. Today is her birthday and the other day we had to review the dress code that said nothing about piercings so we said fuck it lets do it. I was really nervous for some reason. I have had my septum pierced before, when I was a freshman in college. I took it out because my work at the time didn't allow it. I really can't believe we did it honestly but I'm happy because I have missed my septum.

We ended up going to my favorite bar which was cool. We have hung out before but never alone. We mesh really well and it's nice to have another friend in Southern California (I haven't made much) We talked mostly about love which I feel really conflicted about lately. I love the idea of love and I really do love love. I know right now I'm not capable of it and I'm starting to think maybe I never will. I'm not sad about it but I do have a tendency to think I'm a lot older than I am (I'm never going to find someone). I always feel like I don't have much time for anything and I don't know why.

It was a day of a lot of weird realizations and start of a beautiful friendship.

The Three Mannys

I always had a thing for guys named Manny and it all started with:

Manny #1: I was in high school and my dad was begging me to have a hobby. I also wanted more things to put on my college application. I've always had a fascination with martial arts so I tried a Taekwondo, Muay Thai, and Karate. I didn't enjoy any of them. My mom had a friend who did Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and I should try at her studio. I went in and actually really loved it. I was really quiet and shy and only practiced with Dee (my mom's friend). One day Dee didn't show up. I had never even had kissed a boy, so very much a virgin. Dee and I were the only girls in  the studio. I had to get over quick being super close to a boy. I had been at the studio for awhile and then I finally saw him. He was tall about six feet and very tan. He wasn't weaning a shirt under his Gi, you could easily see his muscle definition. His face was soft: faint eyebrows, almond dark brown eyes, and remote blushed cheeks, He had a small soul patch and cauliflower ears from wrestling in high school. At the time I thought he was the most beautiful man I laid eyes on. (still pretty up there) I kept my school crush hidden for awhile. I admired him from afar and didn't speak a word to him. One day I decided to tell my mom about him. She told Dee and Dee told someone else and it got back to him. It was obvious too. When he instructed the class he would choose me to be his partner. I would tremble when he touched me. He would just laugh and ask me if I was okay. I signed up for a competition and brought my friend. He stopped by to talk to me for awhile. I could barely contain myself. She gave me a look and said "Who was that and what was that?" I just shrugged and smiled. Everyone from the studio use to go to a pizza place called The Big Cheese and watch UFC. I went with my dad and brother one day. He went up to talk to me and even introduce himself to my dad. The most ballsy thing any guy has done in my eyes. (Dad and boys who like me don't mix very well) The thing was I was only 16 going on 17. He was 20 going on 21.I didn't know how to flirt and was very very naive. I'm pretty sure my parents didn't like the idea and neither did the owner of the studio. I also unexpectedly fell in love. He tried to message me on Facebook when I quit and he moved to Brazil. I still didn't know what to do or what to say, so I said nothing.

Manny #2: Your mom calls you Emmanuel. I called you Eman. My friend Ariel called you Manny. I met you at work. We were both servers for a seafood chain restaurant. I never paid much attention to him at first. I would ask him if he was okay because he was always quiet and a little off. I would figure out it was just because he was high all the time. How everything started was you handed me a piece a paper to start a scavenger hunt. It made me so happy because work was really slow and it was really creative to me. So every shift you would create a whole new scavenger hunt for me. It ended not too long after because you made a big mistake with one of your tables. Then you started to ask me all these existential question that actually made me think out of my everyday life. It had been awhile and I got stuck in a everyday schedule (which honestly was driving me crazy) Then one day he told me he was quitting and leaving San Francisco to move to Napa with his family. I was very emotional about it and I didn't understand why. I said we should hang out before and we did. We planned to go to a sushi place close to where we lived. We had set the time for seven o clock. When I arrived I peaked through the window to see if you were there. I didn't see you so I sat outside the restaurant for thirty minutes disappointed and hands frozen. I decided I would walk to KFC, go home and call it a night. I called him and said "I'm going home I have been waiting for you a long time." He replied "What are you talking about I've been here the whole time?" We both just stared laughing and I walked back to the restaurant and actually went inside. For about ten minutes we talked about how we thought we got stood up. I told to touch my hands to see how cold they were. I remember him grabbing my hand firmly. It was weird but it felt nice. We sat there and talked for four hours about hopes, dreams, the world, the future, and honestly I could go on. He is one of the few people I feel like I could talk to about anything and not be afraid. I even went to his house after and we talked even more about everything. Then he made the move to Napa. It had been awhile since I talked to my friend Ariel and I decided to give her a call. She answered and said she was on her way to Napa to visit him. My friends Tan and Katie visited him the week before. I decided I was going to take some time and visit him. He set everything up for me. He had his friend Ray pick me up and drive me all the way to Napa. He was interesting just like him and had a lot to say. He scared me a little because the way he drove up the whiny roads. It was dark and a lot of deer warning. He just laughed at me and said "Don't worry I grew up in places like these." When we made it we all talked for a little bit then went asleep. Eman gave me his bed. The next day I met all his family: his mom, his stepdad, his sister, and her husband. We all talked for a bit and Eman made us breakfast. We went on a hike after with all his dogs: Sammy, Frisco, Chica and Guinness. Napa is a beautiful place. It was mostly Eman and Ray talking. They had been friends since middle school. Ray left shortly. Eman and I decided to hang around in his house. I wasn't 21 yet so I couldn't go to any of the wineries yet. He pulled some wine from his cellar that the previous owners had left. We had more than a couple of glasses. We ended up on your bed and he looked into my eyes and caressed my face gently. It felt right but I couldn't do it. The rest of the day you left me alone in your room. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I said nothing. I visited you a couple of more times with my friends Ariel and Megan. Before you left to work, you would lay down with me and hold my hand, sometimes kiss me on my forehead. Then came the day I was moving out of San Francisco. I remember he came to the city a few days before I left. We sat mostly silent in his car not saying much. We both knew it was goodbye but we didn't know what to say or what to do, so we said nothing.

Manny #3: It was my first day being back in San Francisco after a few month. I spent most of the day at Dolores park getting drunk with my friends. I had grown quite frustrated with some of my friends because of the unnecessary drama. It was getting dark and everyone asked me what I wanted to do. I responded "All I want is to have a drink at Blondies." So we started headed towards Blondies. I was only talking to Jen because she was the only one who hadn't made me upset. We were behind everyone else, just catching up on our lives. We were almost there but I turned to her and said I really need to pee and I can't hold. I went into a crowded bar at first and went straight for the bathrooms. There was someone in there and didn't look like anyone was coming out anytime soon. I went to the bar next door and Jen waited outside for me. Bond Bar. When I went in there it was just the bartender. I would of felt fucked up if I just used the bathroom and left. So I sat down and decided to get a drink. The bartender came up to me and said what can I get for you? "Vodka and soda." Still don't know why I ordered it since I hate vodka. "ID?" I handed him my ID. He looked at it for awhile and handed it back. I waited for him to make the drink and I covered it with a napkin and then ran to the bathroom. I sat back down and Jen decided to come in. She said "Bitch I thought you were just using the bathroom." I laughed "I would feel bad plus I need to get away from them." The bartender came up again and asked Jen what she wanted. "Tequila and tonic." I took a closer look at him. He had short curly hair that he kept under his hat, skinny, and tan. I really digged his style. Its really what caught my attention. Jen and I start talking to him, that's when I got more interested. He told us his name is Manny. He considered himself a film maker, wrote his own scripts and was into Kubrick. He lived in New York for awhile. We both are from the Inland Empire. I just flat out asked for his number and he gave it to me. We even hugged before I left the bar. I was really drunk though and I ended up calling my ex-boyfriend. Manny texted me at the same time. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I didn't say anything.

(This really isn't about boys)